Still Trying....

My journey has been so trying lately... I know that it is because I have lost my way a bit... I've veered off of the paved road and ventured down a rocky, dirt trail and I am almost convinced that I have veered off of the trail and now am wandering aimlessly through the woods.... 

I am still here though and that is what matters. I'm still here, I'm still trying...

"This morning, with her, having coffee..."

Today my topic is simple, My favorite quote, most people probably would choose something that everyone knows. Something funny, witty, intelligent, something biblical, something that the world knows and has been shared a million times. I'm different. I'm sure lots of people know my quote, know who said it, and know the context it was said in... but most wont. To me this quote is simple and beautiful and it is one of the most memorable quotes that I have ever read. Every single time I read it I get goosebumps.

"This morning, with her, having coffee..." - Johnny Cash 

This was his answer when he was asked for his definition of paradise. That was his paradise. Something that was so mundane, so normal, was his paradise. He fought for that paradise. That paradise never gave up on him. She loved him unconditionally. Without judgement, just love. Can you imagine... 

So many people take love for granted. Love, true love, should be cherished. I may be old fashioned, or maybe I'm just a fool for love, but I believe that everyone has that one love that they are supposed to find and cherish. Their paradise. I do not think that many people want to take the time to find that paradise. They are too comfortable jumping fences when the grass looks greener on that side, not realizing that maybe if they watered the grass on this side it would be just as green... 

I'm not stupid or crazy, I know the story of Johnny and June. He was a drunk and a junkie who was married when they met and fell in love. He was no angel. She just loved him through it. She herself was no angel, she had been married and divorced. He was arrested numerous times. She loved him anyways. She did not fall in love with him right away like he did her. She learned to love him despite his many flaws that would have driven most women away. She learned to love him unconditionally. Forever. 

Trying to get beautiful...

So it has been so long since I blogged and I truly miss it... so I decided to challenge myself and will hopefully be able to make it a habit. So today I am reintroducing myself. My name is Micaela and my blog is about my journey of trying to get beautiful inside and out.

 I am a tortured soul and yes I know how cliche that sounds but it is so true. I am a lover of love and that ends up getting me hurt more than it makes me happy. I find the good in everyone, even if it means losing myself in the journey. I am trying to find myself after my last failed relationship. I have also always been a little overweight and hate my body so in this journey of finding "me" I am trying to lose the extra pounds.... I have tried everything from weight watchers to beachbody programs to the gym to a little bit of everything. Now I am planning on signing up with a virtual trainer and taking advantage of the gym program my job offers. 

This blog was started to follow this journey a few years ago unfortunately that journey took a wrong turn down a very dark path and honestly I thought more than once of ending my life. I just wanted to turn off the lights, drown the monsters that live in my head and the demons that have taken over my heart. The things that I have been through in my life most no one knows about because I have never talked about them. I am not sure what stopped me each time from ending everything but something did so today I will start blogging again and pray that I find some peace with it like I did before. 

So to introduce you to "Me" here are 10 facts about me:

1. I am obsessed with Sons of Anarchy! Love the show love everything about it... 
2. I love tattoos I have a lot of bad ones and one of my goals with my weight loss is to have my back piece fixed when I lose 20 pounds and when I lose the 50 pounds that is my end goal I will get a sleeve.
3. I love all things Disney.... I know after 1 and 2 this is a little odd but it is true.
4. I am a grandma. Dont get me started!
5. My daughter is a better mother than I could ever imagine being... 
6. Number 5 scares me and makes me very sad.
7. I feel like I will never find someone that will truly fall in love with me because of my demons.
8. I miss my old church and how involved I was and I worry that I will never find that again.
9. I was physically abused and mentally abused for so many years I now have PTSD and severe anxiety disorder
10. I LOVE to cook and bake

Yes most of those are random and all over the place but that is what makes me "Me".... so if you are reading this buckle up because this could get crazy! 

From Purposeless to Purposeful....

"The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness.  It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions.  If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God.  You were born by his purpose and for his purpose."  --- Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

Wow... one of my biggest worries is that I will not ever know what I was put on this earth for.  I have questioned and cried and prayed to find out what I am here for and I'm still searching for that answer... surely all of the pain and hurt I have been through has not been for nothing... after reading, and rereading, chapter 8 in Limitless Life by Derwin Gray I believe that one of the purposes for my life was to learn how to love unconditionally and to learn how to forgive... 

I, like most people, have always looked for my purpose in what I do.  Job wise, volunteer through church wise, that kind of thing... I've lived my life so far with the thought process of ..."If I could only ______, then I'd be happy, or then I would find my purpose..." after reading that in this chapter I realize that is me.  Guess what I'm still unhappy and still searching for my purpose... big surprise ;)

I have to start living in my purpose to find joy and according to Derwin Gray my purpose is to let God love me and then I will know my path in life... wow.  I need to let God love me... I love God but I havent really been letting God love me... wow.  

Looking back on my life I can see where this is true.  I'm not good enough for a man to love me so how in the world could I possibly be good enough for God, the creator of EVERYTHING, to love me.  Everyone I've ever loved has left me or hurt me, except for my kids, so maybe if I dont allow God to love me he can never leave me... My thinking is way screwed up yes I realize this... but that is what it is...  I've been having some real tough conversations with myself the last few weeks.  I want to be transformed into God's image... I want to have and live a limitless life... I deserve to let God love me and find my path.  I want people to look at me and see that through all of the pain and just crap that I have gone through I am still standing and shining and I want people to see God's love through me...  

From Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace.... kinda

"People are made to be loved and things are made to be used.  The confusion in this world is that people are being used and things are being loved."  - Unknown

Chapter 5 in my P31 online bible study, The Limitless Life, by Derwin Gray talks about transforming from Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace... I'm not to the trophy of grace part yet but I'm closer than I was when I started this chapter.

From the time I was very young, I have no idea what age it started, I was abused... Honestly as a child I was abused by my grandfather but I can not tell you if he was the only one.  I have no real memory before age 10.  I have spotty memories of different things... I do remember feeling like I was damaged goods from a very young age.  When I turned 15 I confused love with sex... I had sex with my boyfriend because that must mean he loved me... when I met my baby's father we had sex immediately and he moved me in with him... because he loved me.  He beat me up daily and did unspeakable things to me but afterwards when he said he loved me that made it all ok because I was lucky anyone would love me I was damaged.  This cycle just continued and in a way it still continues today... I still feel like I'm damaged goods and that affects everything that I do in my life.

The Woman at the Well... I feel like I am this woman.  I have 4 bi-racial children from 2 different fathers, countless ex boyfriends, none of which I was good enough to marry, I'm living with my current boyfriend but we are not married, I'm covered in tattoos, any time I go anywhere I feel judged.  If someone knows my past it is even worse.  I avoid people who I fear will judge me.  I avoid looking in the mirror because I know I'm going to judge myself.  I would fit right in with the motley crew Derwin Gray describes in chapter 5.  I could probably make up that motley crew by myself.... I wish that I could meet Jesus at that well.  I crave to hear Him speak to me.  Tell me why I'm here but I wont meet Him at the well... I will be more like Wanda.  I connected with her also in pretty much every way... LOL I was definitely the one the Youth Group was warned about... even the Youth Pastor and his wife HATED me and cringed when I walked in... Oh how they could have changed my path... but to them I was damaged.  I'm not blaming them either I get it but at that time I just craved being accepted and they could not accept my damaged self.... church was no longer where I wanted to be.... I even remember getting to that place that Wanda describes where Jesus is the only one who accepts her.  I was there!  I was plugged in and I STARTED FEELING LIKE A TROPHY OF HIS GRACE... then somehow I came back to the place I've known since I can remember... I'm back to being damaged goods... My life is again spiritually parched and lifeless... I need to start drinking my living water again... I know this and I crave it but I think I'm scared of it too... I'm scared of it all going away again.  I do not want to be damaged goods anymore.  I want to get back to being a trophy of HIS grace.  I want to start believing that God sees me as more than damaged goods even if no one else ever sees me as any more than that.  

One day I want people to talk about how I was once nothing, a loser, damaged goods and then I met Jesus and he unleashed His limitless life through ME, and because of ME, someone else's life was made eternally better.

From Orphan to Adopted....

I blogged yesterday about how I was down the last week or so... so I was coming on here to do my blog hop for the week and something told me that first I need to do my post for last week.... I can not link this one since I am a week behind but I felt the need to share this one... I will link up the next one for this week....

"We roam through life lost, looking for a love and identity that no human, no job, no amount of money could ever provide.  Our Papa in heaven is the only One who can provide us with the love and, ultimately, the identity we have been created for - a child of God."

Holy crap whoever wrote that has been in my head... I've said before that I am not made for this world.  I get that, I know that, but it doesn't stop me from longing for things that I know I will not find here... So I was reading the Limitless Life by Derwin Gray for my Proverbs 31 online bible study and in chapter 4 he talks about going from Orphan to Adopted... I'm not an orphan, my mom is still alive, but I do have "Daddy issues" and in that chapter he talks about when we allow daddy wounds to limit our lives, we become anonymous people.  Boy do I feel anonymous... When we are not connected to God our FATHER, we do not know who we are - we feel orphaned - and lose the capacity to discover our uniqueness.  I did not always feel anonymous... I remember when I felt alive, I felt like I was beginning to discover exactly why God wanted me here... I've always struggled with what in the world He wanted to use me for.  But at one point when I was plugged in and reading my bible I felt like I was so close to getting answers and then I just plummeted... that is the best way I know how to put it... I have overcome a lot, I have overcome being abused daily, I have overcome being a drug addict, I have overcome sexual abuse when I was a child, but for all of those things I have overcome there is so much more I have not even touched.... when I say I plummeted I did not get back into drugs I want to make that very clear.  I have been in a very deep depression for well over a year, I have not overcome that.  I have not overcome being out of a church family where I was involved.  I have not overcome feeling helpless and hopeless, or feeling unworthy... I am back to a darkness where I am asking again, "God WHY AM I HERE"  what in the world could you possibly want me to do for You?  How can I find the answers now that I am so far away from Him... How do I get the Jesus loves me message to play continuously and stop replaying my past... In this chapter Derwin Gray says that Orphans Feel Abandoned... I feel that way.  My father abandoned me... I blame myself for that... I was a bad kid, he didn't want to see that so he started working as a private contractor over seas in war torn countries... I'll never forget the time he came home from Bosnia and met me for lunch.. at that time I was living with my oldest kids father and I was newly pregnant with my first baby.  When I met my dad for lunch that day I had a face covered in bruises and a black eye that you could not ignore.  But my dad ignored it.  We had lunch and he left me at the train station to go back to my baby's father.  I knew it was my fault for being so horrible... but I felt abandoned.  After my dad was killed in Irag about 8 years later my brother told me in the heat of a family argument that my dad never loved me... I still think about that all these years and I still feel abandoned.  But now when I feel abandoned I feel like my dad abandoned my whole family and I feel like that is my fault.  I feel like an orphan.

In this chapter he also gives us the keys to embracing a new label "Adopted"... I think that key 2 is the hardest for me... Key 2: Accept and Imitate the Forgiveness of God... that is actually pretty easy for me to forgive others.  My kids fathers, I have forgiven them for the hurts that they have done to me and to my babies, my grandfather I have forgiven for the abuse, my brother I have forgiven for the hurtful words to me and my kids, my other brother I have forgiven for leaving us way to early... I have a problem forgiving myself... I don't know how to forgive myself... I do not know how to forgive myself for leaving my babies, I have not forgiven myself for causing my mom so much pain, I do not know how to forgive myself for causing my brothers to hate me and for not being the one that was taken from my parents instead of my brother, I do not know how to forgive myself for causing my dad to want to be away from us and ultimately causing him to be killed in Iraq, I do not know how to forgive myself for feeling like we abandoned my daddy in Iraq, I do not know how to forgive myself for continuing on this downward spiral...

I want to learn to forgive myself because I am stuck in this cycle of thinking how can God forgive me and now after reading this chapter I know God is thinking, How can I NOT forgive a person like you?  You are exactly who I sent MY precious Son to die for... I am still stuck in the prison cell because I cant forgive myself but I don't know how to forgive me...

Feeling very raw

Some days I just feel very raw... very open but not the I'm an open book way, more like someone has pulled a scab off of a very fresh wound and it is now open... I suffer from anxiety in the worst way in case you hadn't figured that much out already... Anyways this last week I have felt very raw.  I'm still not in a church home.  I still am in the process of moving from my mom's house and that is an emotional roller coaster in and of itself.  I am unhappy with my job.  Everything just seemed to pull off the scab a little more each day.  I'm still here and I'm still doing the Limitless Life study I just did not have the energy to blog last week... So I just want whoever is out there reading to know I'm still here I'm just having a week where I am not up to being.  This week is a little better.  I'm still not happy with the position I'm in at work, I work customer service and I have done this since I was 18 at all kinds of different companies, I LOVE the company I work for but I would like to do something more than answer the phone... I'm loving the feeling I have of having my own place even though I have a boyfriend and a roommate just knowing that me and my girls have our own is a huge thing for me... and the roommate is very temporary... me and my mom are at least speaking now... I'm still riding the roller coaster of emotions and I can not promise what tomorrow or even this afternoon is going to do to me but right now I'm OK.