Still Trying....

My journey has been so trying lately... I know that it is because I have lost my way a bit... I've veered off of the paved road and ventured down a rocky, dirt trail and I am almost convinced that I have veered off of the trail and now am wandering aimlessly through the woods.... 

I am still here though and that is what matters. I'm still here, I'm still trying...

"This morning, with her, having coffee..."

Today my topic is simple, My favorite quote, most people probably would choose something that everyone knows. Something funny, witty, intelligent, something biblical, something that the world knows and has been shared a million times. I'm different. I'm sure lots of people know my quote, know who said it, and know the context it was said in... but most wont. To me this quote is simple and beautiful and it is one of the most memorable quotes that I have ever read. Every single time I read it I get goosebumps.

"This morning, with her, having coffee..." - Johnny Cash 

This was his answer when he was asked for his definition of paradise. That was his paradise. Something that was so mundane, so normal, was his paradise. He fought for that paradise. That paradise never gave up on him. She loved him unconditionally. Without judgement, just love. Can you imagine... 

So many people take love for granted. Love, true love, should be cherished. I may be old fashioned, or maybe I'm just a fool for love, but I believe that everyone has that one love that they are supposed to find and cherish. Their paradise. I do not think that many people want to take the time to find that paradise. They are too comfortable jumping fences when the grass looks greener on that side, not realizing that maybe if they watered the grass on this side it would be just as green... 

I'm not stupid or crazy, I know the story of Johnny and June. He was a drunk and a junkie who was married when they met and fell in love. He was no angel. She just loved him through it. She herself was no angel, she had been married and divorced. He was arrested numerous times. She loved him anyways. She did not fall in love with him right away like he did her. She learned to love him despite his many flaws that would have driven most women away. She learned to love him unconditionally. Forever. 

Trying to get beautiful...

So it has been so long since I blogged and I truly miss it... so I decided to challenge myself and will hopefully be able to make it a habit. So today I am reintroducing myself. My name is Micaela and my blog is about my journey of trying to get beautiful inside and out.

 I am a tortured soul and yes I know how cliche that sounds but it is so true. I am a lover of love and that ends up getting me hurt more than it makes me happy. I find the good in everyone, even if it means losing myself in the journey. I am trying to find myself after my last failed relationship. I have also always been a little overweight and hate my body so in this journey of finding "me" I am trying to lose the extra pounds.... I have tried everything from weight watchers to beachbody programs to the gym to a little bit of everything. Now I am planning on signing up with a virtual trainer and taking advantage of the gym program my job offers. 

This blog was started to follow this journey a few years ago unfortunately that journey took a wrong turn down a very dark path and honestly I thought more than once of ending my life. I just wanted to turn off the lights, drown the monsters that live in my head and the demons that have taken over my heart. The things that I have been through in my life most no one knows about because I have never talked about them. I am not sure what stopped me each time from ending everything but something did so today I will start blogging again and pray that I find some peace with it like I did before. 

So to introduce you to "Me" here are 10 facts about me:

1. I am obsessed with Sons of Anarchy! Love the show love everything about it... 
2. I love tattoos I have a lot of bad ones and one of my goals with my weight loss is to have my back piece fixed when I lose 20 pounds and when I lose the 50 pounds that is my end goal I will get a sleeve.
3. I love all things Disney.... I know after 1 and 2 this is a little odd but it is true.
4. I am a grandma. Dont get me started!
5. My daughter is a better mother than I could ever imagine being... 
6. Number 5 scares me and makes me very sad.
7. I feel like I will never find someone that will truly fall in love with me because of my demons.
8. I miss my old church and how involved I was and I worry that I will never find that again.
9. I was physically abused and mentally abused for so many years I now have PTSD and severe anxiety disorder
10. I LOVE to cook and bake

Yes most of those are random and all over the place but that is what makes me "Me".... so if you are reading this buckle up because this could get crazy! 

From Purposeless to Purposeful....

"The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness.  It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions.  If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God.  You were born by his purpose and for his purpose."  --- Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

Wow... one of my biggest worries is that I will not ever know what I was put on this earth for.  I have questioned and cried and prayed to find out what I am here for and I'm still searching for that answer... surely all of the pain and hurt I have been through has not been for nothing... after reading, and rereading, chapter 8 in Limitless Life by Derwin Gray I believe that one of the purposes for my life was to learn how to love unconditionally and to learn how to forgive... 

I, like most people, have always looked for my purpose in what I do.  Job wise, volunteer through church wise, that kind of thing... I've lived my life so far with the thought process of ..."If I could only ______, then I'd be happy, or then I would find my purpose..." after reading that in this chapter I realize that is me.  Guess what I'm still unhappy and still searching for my purpose... big surprise ;)

I have to start living in my purpose to find joy and according to Derwin Gray my purpose is to let God love me and then I will know my path in life... wow.  I need to let God love me... I love God but I havent really been letting God love me... wow.  

Looking back on my life I can see where this is true.  I'm not good enough for a man to love me so how in the world could I possibly be good enough for God, the creator of EVERYTHING, to love me.  Everyone I've ever loved has left me or hurt me, except for my kids, so maybe if I dont allow God to love me he can never leave me... My thinking is way screwed up yes I realize this... but that is what it is...  I've been having some real tough conversations with myself the last few weeks.  I want to be transformed into God's image... I want to have and live a limitless life... I deserve to let God love me and find my path.  I want people to look at me and see that through all of the pain and just crap that I have gone through I am still standing and shining and I want people to see God's love through me...  

From Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace.... kinda

"People are made to be loved and things are made to be used.  The confusion in this world is that people are being used and things are being loved."  - Unknown

Chapter 5 in my P31 online bible study, The Limitless Life, by Derwin Gray talks about transforming from Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace... I'm not to the trophy of grace part yet but I'm closer than I was when I started this chapter.

From the time I was very young, I have no idea what age it started, I was abused... Honestly as a child I was abused by my grandfather but I can not tell you if he was the only one.  I have no real memory before age 10.  I have spotty memories of different things... I do remember feeling like I was damaged goods from a very young age.  When I turned 15 I confused love with sex... I had sex with my boyfriend because that must mean he loved me... when I met my baby's father we had sex immediately and he moved me in with him... because he loved me.  He beat me up daily and did unspeakable things to me but afterwards when he said he loved me that made it all ok because I was lucky anyone would love me I was damaged.  This cycle just continued and in a way it still continues today... I still feel like I'm damaged goods and that affects everything that I do in my life.

The Woman at the Well... I feel like I am this woman.  I have 4 bi-racial children from 2 different fathers, countless ex boyfriends, none of which I was good enough to marry, I'm living with my current boyfriend but we are not married, I'm covered in tattoos, any time I go anywhere I feel judged.  If someone knows my past it is even worse.  I avoid people who I fear will judge me.  I avoid looking in the mirror because I know I'm going to judge myself.  I would fit right in with the motley crew Derwin Gray describes in chapter 5.  I could probably make up that motley crew by myself.... I wish that I could meet Jesus at that well.  I crave to hear Him speak to me.  Tell me why I'm here but I wont meet Him at the well... I will be more like Wanda.  I connected with her also in pretty much every way... LOL I was definitely the one the Youth Group was warned about... even the Youth Pastor and his wife HATED me and cringed when I walked in... Oh how they could have changed my path... but to them I was damaged.  I'm not blaming them either I get it but at that time I just craved being accepted and they could not accept my damaged self.... church was no longer where I wanted to be.... I even remember getting to that place that Wanda describes where Jesus is the only one who accepts her.  I was there!  I was plugged in and I STARTED FEELING LIKE A TROPHY OF HIS GRACE... then somehow I came back to the place I've known since I can remember... I'm back to being damaged goods... My life is again spiritually parched and lifeless... I need to start drinking my living water again... I know this and I crave it but I think I'm scared of it too... I'm scared of it all going away again.  I do not want to be damaged goods anymore.  I want to get back to being a trophy of HIS grace.  I want to start believing that God sees me as more than damaged goods even if no one else ever sees me as any more than that.  

One day I want people to talk about how I was once nothing, a loser, damaged goods and then I met Jesus and he unleashed His limitless life through ME, and because of ME, someone else's life was made eternally better.

From Orphan to Adopted....

I blogged yesterday about how I was down the last week or so... so I was coming on here to do my blog hop for the week and something told me that first I need to do my post for last week.... I can not link this one since I am a week behind but I felt the need to share this one... I will link up the next one for this week....

"We roam through life lost, looking for a love and identity that no human, no job, no amount of money could ever provide.  Our Papa in heaven is the only One who can provide us with the love and, ultimately, the identity we have been created for - a child of God."

Holy crap whoever wrote that has been in my head... I've said before that I am not made for this world.  I get that, I know that, but it doesn't stop me from longing for things that I know I will not find here... So I was reading the Limitless Life by Derwin Gray for my Proverbs 31 online bible study and in chapter 4 he talks about going from Orphan to Adopted... I'm not an orphan, my mom is still alive, but I do have "Daddy issues" and in that chapter he talks about when we allow daddy wounds to limit our lives, we become anonymous people.  Boy do I feel anonymous... When we are not connected to God our FATHER, we do not know who we are - we feel orphaned - and lose the capacity to discover our uniqueness.  I did not always feel anonymous... I remember when I felt alive, I felt like I was beginning to discover exactly why God wanted me here... I've always struggled with what in the world He wanted to use me for.  But at one point when I was plugged in and reading my bible I felt like I was so close to getting answers and then I just plummeted... that is the best way I know how to put it... I have overcome a lot, I have overcome being abused daily, I have overcome being a drug addict, I have overcome sexual abuse when I was a child, but for all of those things I have overcome there is so much more I have not even touched.... when I say I plummeted I did not get back into drugs I want to make that very clear.  I have been in a very deep depression for well over a year, I have not overcome that.  I have not overcome being out of a church family where I was involved.  I have not overcome feeling helpless and hopeless, or feeling unworthy... I am back to a darkness where I am asking again, "God WHY AM I HERE"  what in the world could you possibly want me to do for You?  How can I find the answers now that I am so far away from Him... How do I get the Jesus loves me message to play continuously and stop replaying my past... In this chapter Derwin Gray says that Orphans Feel Abandoned... I feel that way.  My father abandoned me... I blame myself for that... I was a bad kid, he didn't want to see that so he started working as a private contractor over seas in war torn countries... I'll never forget the time he came home from Bosnia and met me for lunch.. at that time I was living with my oldest kids father and I was newly pregnant with my first baby.  When I met my dad for lunch that day I had a face covered in bruises and a black eye that you could not ignore.  But my dad ignored it.  We had lunch and he left me at the train station to go back to my baby's father.  I knew it was my fault for being so horrible... but I felt abandoned.  After my dad was killed in Irag about 8 years later my brother told me in the heat of a family argument that my dad never loved me... I still think about that all these years and I still feel abandoned.  But now when I feel abandoned I feel like my dad abandoned my whole family and I feel like that is my fault.  I feel like an orphan.

In this chapter he also gives us the keys to embracing a new label "Adopted"... I think that key 2 is the hardest for me... Key 2: Accept and Imitate the Forgiveness of God... that is actually pretty easy for me to forgive others.  My kids fathers, I have forgiven them for the hurts that they have done to me and to my babies, my grandfather I have forgiven for the abuse, my brother I have forgiven for the hurtful words to me and my kids, my other brother I have forgiven for leaving us way to early... I have a problem forgiving myself... I don't know how to forgive myself... I do not know how to forgive myself for leaving my babies, I have not forgiven myself for causing my mom so much pain, I do not know how to forgive myself for causing my brothers to hate me and for not being the one that was taken from my parents instead of my brother, I do not know how to forgive myself for causing my dad to want to be away from us and ultimately causing him to be killed in Iraq, I do not know how to forgive myself for feeling like we abandoned my daddy in Iraq, I do not know how to forgive myself for continuing on this downward spiral...

I want to learn to forgive myself because I am stuck in this cycle of thinking how can God forgive me and now after reading this chapter I know God is thinking, How can I NOT forgive a person like you?  You are exactly who I sent MY precious Son to die for... I am still stuck in the prison cell because I cant forgive myself but I don't know how to forgive me...

Feeling very raw

Some days I just feel very raw... very open but not the I'm an open book way, more like someone has pulled a scab off of a very fresh wound and it is now open... I suffer from anxiety in the worst way in case you hadn't figured that much out already... Anyways this last week I have felt very raw.  I'm still not in a church home.  I still am in the process of moving from my mom's house and that is an emotional roller coaster in and of itself.  I am unhappy with my job.  Everything just seemed to pull off the scab a little more each day.  I'm still here and I'm still doing the Limitless Life study I just did not have the energy to blog last week... So I just want whoever is out there reading to know I'm still here I'm just having a week where I am not up to being.  This week is a little better.  I'm still not happy with the position I'm in at work, I work customer service and I have done this since I was 18 at all kinds of different companies, I LOVE the company I work for but I would like to do something more than answer the phone... I'm loving the feeling I have of having my own place even though I have a boyfriend and a roommate just knowing that me and my girls have our own is a huge thing for me... and the roommate is very temporary... me and my mom are at least speaking now... I'm still riding the roller coaster of emotions and I can not promise what tomorrow or even this afternoon is going to do to me but right now I'm OK.

Wow...

My friend posted on her blog yesterday and it hit me like a ton of bricks... she said EXACTLY what was in my head and on my heart... she expressed my feelings for me in a way that I didnt even know that is what I wanted to say...

What do you think you know about me when you look at me like that?
Can you tell how tired I really am? And that I'm tired mentally, emotionally and spiritually, so my body now hurts from the inside out?
Can you see the stains from where people have touched me without my consent?
Can you see me flinch when you go to touch me? Not all touches are good and my body remembers them well.
Do you know where some of the scars actually came from?
Would you believe me if I told you?
And what does that make me?
Am I damaged goods?
Can you see that I am angry because I am scared? I don't know if I can trust you or even myself at this point.
I'm so tired.
What do you want from me? I don't have a lot to give.
Would you understand or pity me if you knew all of this about me? I don't need or want your pity. I'm doing okay and getting better every day.
If I sleep, will I wake up? Do I even want to?
Please don't touch my shell. It's very fragile and will break if you're not careful.
Why do you even care?
Am I worth the trouble?
Would you walk away because I'm too much to handle?

How she knew what my heart was feeling is beyond me but thank you for reading my heart and allowing me to express what it needed to say... check her out she is wise beyond her years!

My Story...

When I was 16 I ran away from home... I did not run away from the best home environment but I ran away from a home where I was loved.  I had been getting in trouble for a while.. I got in with a gang when I started high school.  I thought I was the baddest girl and honestly in my school where I was from I probably was one of the baddest... When I was 17 I met my first 2 kids father... I moved in with him and found out pretty quickly I was not as bad as I thought I was.  He was much badder.  He beat me daily.... hit me with bottles, gave me concussions, broke my jaw twice, gave me black eyes so bad they were swollen shut.  The reasons varied... I always did something wrong.  No one ever told me to come home so I didn't... I had two children with him... luckily I was smart enough to not want them in that environment and sent them to live with my mom and dad... I went home for a little while but he always found me and convinced me to go back... at that time he was my addiction.  He was my addiction for 6 years.  I still have problems from the beatings... my jaw clicks sometimes, I have debilitating migraines, I have memory problems, I have nightmares... I got free from that addiction when he went to prison for drugs.  That is when I met my 2nd baby's father.  The abuse was the same... he also cheated on me.  So did the first one but he at least tried to hide it... not the second one he just cheated.  When I caught him he got mad at me and hurt me.  He was my addiction.  I could not bring myself to leave him... I wanted to be good enough for him.  He made sure I knew that I wasn't.  He introduced me to cocaine.  It helped me escape from all of the pain... That was my new addiction... but I was still addicted to him.  My baby brother was killed in a car accident.  That crippled me.  I wanted to trade places with him.  I still do.  When I found my baby's father cheating on me again I freed myself from him.  I was still addicted to the cocaine... That helped me escape all of the pain.  My daddy went back to work for a private contracting firm.  He worked in Iraq.  My kids went to stay with my mom... I kept telling myself it was because she was so upset about my brother and they would help her feel better... honestly it is because I was not the mom that they needed me to be at that time... I felt like a failure... I still do.  I've never told anyone that before. 3 years later my mom called me in the middle of the night.  My daddy was killed by a car bomb in Iraq.  My daddy who I struggled my whole life to please.  My daddy who did not like me and I still questioned whether he loved me.  My daddy who met me for dinner on one of his leaves and saw me with my eye swollen shut and bruises up my face and said nothing about it... I would never had the opportunity to apologize for failing in his eyes... I would never be able to apologize that he lost his precious son instead of his pathetic daughter... My addiction to cocaine grew and now it was cocaine and pills.  I should not be alive with the amount I was putting in my body on a daily basis.  I maintained a job... I was doing drugs in the bathroom every 30 min but I kept the job... finally I was ready to be free of the drug addiction.  I was tired of being away from my kids and I knew that being away from my kids was one of the biggest pains I was trying to cover up with the drugs.  I packed up and moved home with my mom and kids.  I got myself clean.  I freed myself from that addiction.  I found church again and that became an addiction.  That addiction grew until the church broke up.  Now I find myself free from the addiction of drugs, from the addiction of abuse... but I'm still an addict.  I am not free yet.  I still have the addiction of pleasing people.  I still have the addiction of the labels I have put on myself.  I have the addiction of needing to prove my worth and myself to others.  I am addicted to being the best I can at work.  I have the addicts mind set still.  I need to free myself from that.  I am an ongoing story... truthfully this story is just an outline.  My story is so much deeper than this blog post... I just feel like my story is too long to post in one sitting... I think I will work on it for future posts because I do think I need to free myself of the story.  I've kept alot of this story inside me because it is painful to admit but maybe if I admit it I can finally be free of the addiction of my past... Today that is my addiction and I hope that at the end of this bible study I can say I'm FREE of that too...

Ready Set Go... or not

What a weekend.  I have been having so many emotions and feelings lately.  I know that I am NOT where I want to be or need to be in life but I am working on that.  This weekend I realized how disapointing I have been to my mom.  I hate that realization.  She was so proud of me at one time.  Then slowly I started to slip backwards.  The worst part is she blames my boyfriend and that is not fair.  I stopped going to church.  I stopped doing what I was supposed to do money wise.  I started going crazy a little bit.  I had a mini break down.  But because some of these things started when she met him she blames him....  Yes that makes for a super depressing weekend.  I am on my way to getting back on track though.  I am getting my own apartment for me and my girls.  I am getting caught up as quickly as I can on my bills. I am starting church again.  This online bible study is going to be a big help I think.  Let's see how it goes!

Community

So I have decided to take on another online bible study with Proverbs 31 ministries... I LOVE this website and the online bible studies that they do... and this one seemed perfect for me where I am right now!  It is called Limitless Life and the reason that I decided to do this one is because right on the cover of the book it says, "You Are More Than Your Past When God Holds Your Future"... 


Needless to say I'm more than ready to start this one.  So today I received an email talking about the normal blog hop that they do with these bible studies and talking about community.  Just the other day I was talking about home and church and when they said in the email that this online bible study is like our own little community I started thinking about how church is like my own little community.  When I was involved and everyone was together it was a big community.  Then I left the community and then I came back and the community had changed.  How normal is that though... I mean you grow up in one community and when you go away to college, or move away from home, or just go away for the summer more often than not when you come back some aspect of that community has changed.  Not all changes are big or even bad but change is inevitable... I went back to church last Sunday.  I went to the small church, they meet right next door to the building I grew up going to... it was weird to walk into that building instead of the one I was so familiar with... but when I walked in the love I felt was still the same.  The welcoming was familiar.  I felt at HOME... I did not visit the other church yet... I'm not sure why but I want to go back to the small church on Sunday again and I think I will continue to go... I would like to get involved again if that is possible. I would like to find my place in the new, smaller community.  As for this online bible study I also hope to find my place... I realize that this community is much bigger and wider and spans places I've never seen but I would like to think I can find a place to fit in there too... to me community means that you fit together and you interact... I need interaction even if just through a blog post :)  I guess that is all for now... If you are reading this and have not heard of Proverbs31.org or done any of their bible studies I encourage you to check them out... 

Feelings just keep coming out of me

I'm feeling very depressed lately, and alone, and scared... I'm not alone and I'm not sure why I feel that way... I'm hurting everyone around me... myself included honestly.  I just do not know how to get up this time.  I dont have anyone I can really turn to and say HELP ME... I just keep getting up every day and going through the motions of the day but some days, like today, it all seems like too much.  I would be much better at home, in the dark, in my bed.  I know my posts are making people sad and I'm sorry.  If you stop reading I totally understand.  But this is the only release I have for all of the feelings I have... I know I am not alone.  I have a boyfriend...  but I am not sure that it is going anywhere... I have my kids... but there is still this loneliness that I can not shake.  I'm in over my head.  I am so far in debt because I try to buy things thinking it will make me feel better... nope still feel awful and actually feel worse because then I think about how far in debt I am... I am trying to save money to move me and my girls into an apartment and prove to everyone, myself included, that I can do it... but I can barely put one foot in front of the other forget having a smile on my face!... 
Life is a messy thing... my life I have messed up and I'm not sure if I can fix it

Finding my place...

Church... ever since I was a little girl I have gone to church when I was a kid it was every Sunday morning, every Sunday night and every Wednesday night.  I LOVED it.  If we did not go for some reason I was beyond upset!  As I got older and got into some not church approved behaviors my attendance fell off... alot.  But I still went off and on.  Then about 3 or 4 years ago I decided I was tired of the life I was living and I wanted to go HOME.  Even after all those years I considered church HOME.  Now growing up we went to Church of Christ.  Most of my childhood was spent at one church that I loved and then things happened that I as a child did not understand and we moved to a different church.  I grew to love that church also and 3-4 years ago when I made the decision to go HOME that is the church that I knew I would go to.  I knew before going back that they had changed from a Church of Christ to a basically non denominational church and I was ok with that.  I still do not fully grasp what all of that means but I knew that when I walked in I was HOME.  The love and support I received was exactly what I needed.  I was accepted just as I am, tattoos, single mom, bad past, all of that I was still LOVED.  I got very involved and I was again there as often as they were open.  Then my world fell apart. First of all I moved away from my support system, the church, and fell into a very deep depression.  But then when I went HOME I found that HOME was not there anymore... The church had fallen apart.  MY church.  I honestly did not know what to do.  I dont think anyone can understand that for me this church was my rock.  My everything.  I felt at that moment that I was being punished for leaving... I think sometimes I still feel this way... Since that happened I have struggled to find a new church with no luck... I do not feel comfortable or accepted at most of the ones I have gone to... My old church has kind of divided into two separate churches and I dont know which one I belong to... I have decided that I am going to go to the new building this Sunday and see if I am one still welcome and loved and two see if I still feel like it is HOME... I miss HOME and the LOVE I had there.

Writing from the depths of my hell...

Sometimes I wonder if God has given up on me... yes I know that God never gives up He is always waiting for us to come find Him and He is just waiting with open arms... But really??? I mean that is what I have always been taught, that is what I grew up to believe... Yet nothing inside of me believes that I am worthy of that kind of love and forgiveness... What a life I have lead to have me thinking like this... The things I have gone through and endured only to put myself right back in that place over and over again.  I'm still on my journey to be beautiful inside and out... I'm back on track in a way... I'm still falling daily in other ways... but I am working on that.  This post is more of a confession for me rather than a blog post... I need to be honest with myself.  I'm not happy.  I feel like a failure daily.  I know that it is going to take alot to pull me up from whatever depth I've let myself fall to this time... but I know that I will do it.  I will succeed.  I have no choice.  So I am going to make a conscious effort (again) to write as often as possible.  I am going to stop letting the fact that I'm sometimes writing from the depths of hell stop me.  That is my reality right now.  I do see that light again... it is faded and the clouds block it out sometimes but it is there... I can see it and it IS getting brighter

Emotional Triggers....

What a topic... someone at Proverbs 31 seems to know me and how much I've been struggling... or maybe it is that coincidence thing... LOL 

I saw a quote the other day on either Facebook or Instagram and I liked it because it resonated with me.  Audrey Hepburn said, "I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."  Wow.  That is me completely.  My whole life it seems revolves around my need for someone to give me affection and my need to show someone else that affection back ten times more... it is a longing.... God created that in me but I failed the plan and purpose for it because I failed to understand that I was craving affection from Him.  I was numbing my longing with temporary physical pleasures that never EVER filled my need.  I have actually been depriving myself... How fitting that I would decide to get caught up after a breakdown and THIS is what I am reading.  I love how I see myself in all of this.  

Page 130 in the Made to Crave book talks about different situations that make you feel hurt and rejected.  Lysa talks about a crack in her resolve was caused by the extreme rejection of her biological father.  My father rejected me in a way... As a teenager I veered into some dark and stupid things.  My dad never was able to forgive me or understand that.  He went to work overseas.  According to my brother he HATED me... I cant ask him now because he died while working in Iraq.  I like to think that before he died my daddy saw how much I had changed and had forgiven me.  I hurt and long for that forgiveness.  That is a little crack that goes deep down to my core.  That is one of my biggest emotional triggers.  I feel like it is my fault that we as a family struggle now. My dad isnt here.  It is my fault my kids do not have their papaw... Emotional triggers that always lead me down the path that he would not be proud of me for going back to... I need to learn to not self-medicate with treats but rather to learn how to feed myself spiritually.  Next time I'm feeling one of the situations that make me feel hurt and rejected I need to ask God to be my daily portion.

Lamentations 3:22-24 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

What an amazing verse to keep close and remember...  I will overcome these triggers... I will fill in the cracks of my soul with God's love because really and truly nothing else will ever truly satisfy.  Even if I fall in love and someone loves me back ten fold that is all only second to God's love.  Nothing else is unfailing and absolute.

Insecurities and such...

Well this is my post for my Made to Crave bible study for week 3... yes I do know I am behind and I am hoping to get caught up tonight.  So chapter 7 talks about insecurities... looking back over the last few weeks I am starting to realize more and more that when I do not measure up in some type of way, and probably all in my head, I tend to go into withdrawal mode.. Something small and insignificant to someone else can send me into a complete withdrawal.  I absolutely have a flawed perception of myself.  I have always gotten my sense of identity and self worth from the wrong things.  These are things that I am very aware of, but still, let that one tiny, little, insignificant little thing send me into a direct tail spin...

I do believe that I need to pick up my bible.  I need to have verses that whisper in my ear when I'm starting to feel insignificant... Even if I cant remember them at the moment... just a whisper in my ear telling me which direction to go when I pick up my bible would be nice... I'm learning, the hard way of course, that it is vital to my success to fill my mind with God's words.  I'm also learning the hard way that this is about so much more than just food for me.... yes food is a major aspect of it.  I'm giving up soda, white flours, and fast food... but more than that is the withdrawing and the breakdown of everything good inside of me... maybe one day I will have it all together... maybe I wont but I do hope that I will be one step closer by hearing the whisper of the spirit telling me where to turn when I open up my bible...

God will never give You something that was intended for someone else....

Got to love when you are in the midst of learning an already hard lesson and someone decides that maybe you also need to realize a couple of other things... Well I can thank Mr. Tyrese Gibson himself for that.  First of all I am a total fan and one of my very good friends from work showed me this video... Well smack me in the face and step all over my toes... So he was talking about praying and how God wants us to pray specific prayers.  He also said that "Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous."  That is such a powerful statement and a really cool way to look at that.... I was definitely interested in the video now...well then he says that "God will never give you something that was intended for someone else... you may have prayed for it, even claimed it, but it's not yours.  God loves you enough to not give you something that was not meant for you." UGH thanks alot Tyrese.... Ok so in the next couple of days I am planning on catching up with my Made to Crave bible study... Which means blogging ALOT!! Sorry in advance :)

I"m back...

Yes I had to take a little break... read breakdown... but I"m back.  Sometimes you have a set back and you feel like your world has ended but you are going to push through and that is what I had earlier this year in January... but then the devil comes back and say's you are not going to push through at all... and then you completely fall apart.  Yea well that is exactly how my February has been.  Here I was pushing along at the end of January/beginning of February just going thinking my little breakdown was done and then **** BAM**** nope it was like a force hit me and all of a sudden I was the old Micaela... I was the Micaela who didnt care, who did what she wanted when she wanted... how did I become her again... I forgot everything good.  The worst part of it was I knew that I should not be acting this way.  I kept telling myself to stop it... but nope I didnt stop.  I think that part of it was after me posting about Cherish and how much I missed her I found out she blocked me from Facebook.  Why.  What did I do wrong.  Well I never got an answer and honestly right now I do not care.  It is her issue not mine and I can not make it mine.  Well I can but duh that is kind of what got me into this dark freaking hole I'm in now.... anyways so here is what happened... guy at work was interested in me... did I ever mention I have this crazy need to love and be loved... yea well anyways he was interested.  He was totally my old type, gangster to the core, but he had a job, he worked where I work so that is a step up right... plus as long as I had said no to him we were just friends, he kept on saying all of the right things... he was changed, he wanted a girl that was good, he wanted to fall in love and have something that was forever... blah blah blah... so I ended up giving in... right around the same time as that other chick was getting engaged... coincidence?  Nope probably not... anyways I fell hard.  And slowly all of my old ways started coming back out of the woodwork... my musical tastes were going backwards, how do I know every word to every rap album that was too hard core to be played on the radio... Scarface anyone... my mouth was working overtime... now I have never quite managed to stop the curse words from spewing from my mouth but I had calmed down alot but not now... and my absolute favorite was the behaviors I have all of a sudden been willing to put up with.... Wow how desperate am I for someone to say that they love me.  Oh and best of all he never even said I love you... I'm not sure why it always takes a complete self control breakdown for me to realize what is wrong with me... Also why is it that when I have a minor set back I completely revert back to all of my old ways... ugh I hate questions I do not want to face answers too... but I am facing them.  This week I plan on catching up with everything.  I also plan on getting my self-control back on track... will it be easy NOPE but it will be oh so worth it.  If you are still here and reading this thing... well Thank You 

So excited today

So today I get to order my new excercise/eating plan.  It is called The 21 Day Fix it is by BeachBody and I am extremely excited!! Before my plan was just eat right and go to the gym... well that has not been working so well for me.  I am an OK eater, meaning that I do not eat horribly but at the same time I have a weakness and that is fast food.  Not because I like it because I really do not like it but because during the week when I am at work it is just easier.  I also had been really good about going to the gym in the mornings before work.  Well then it got cold and my car has no heater and no defroster... so yea getting up at 5 am and hitting the gym has kind of gone out the window... So this is going to HOPEFULLY help with that since this is working out at home... now I'm not a complete idiot I know that I still have to put some effort into this... I know that if I can do it for 21 days it becomes more of a habit so I'm excited.  This is my birthday present from my mom and my kids... We will see.  I am cutting this short cause I have to catch up on my made to crave study today... Pretty much just was lazy alllll weekend :)

1 PETER 5:7-8a...

1 Peter 5:7-8a " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

Wow... well apparently the devil has had his fun devouring me lately.  If you have read any of my past entries you know how I have let my anxiety take over me completely.  This verse waited to speak to me until today because well apparently God likes to punch me in the gut exactly when I need it... I have to learn how to cast all my anxiety on Him and for me I have to also learn how to leave it there.  He does not need my help with it once I have given it to Him.  

He cares for me... wow what a statement.  Oftentimes I sit and wonder what it would be like for someone to genuinely care for me.  Unfortunately what I often fail to realize is that someone does care for me.  He still cares for me even when I reject Him, even when I fail to realize that He is all I need, even when He wipes away my tears.  He loves me.  He cares for me.  

Be alert and of sober mind... obviously I need to work on this one, who am I kidding I need to work on most everything, but being alert for me means knowing when I am having my self-doubt, my insecurities, my feelings of not being good enough, those are all the devil trying to devour me... and I have been letting him.  I have to remember that I am in control of my feelings. 

In chapter 5 of my Made to Crave study this week I read this: I WAS MADE FOR MORE and that hit me a little bit.  I also read that any temptation is still temptation.  Whether that means drugs, alcohol, sex, or the bowl of chips and dip, TEMPTATION IS STILL TEMPTATION.  So when I give in to temptation, no matter how big or small it may seem to me, I am letting the devil devour me.  Instead I should give my anxiety, the temptation, to Him.  Why, because He cares for me... 

I have to remember that I am NOT:
 THE BAD GIRL
 THE DRUG USER
 THE GIRL WHO EVERYONE HATES
 THE BAD MOTHER
 THE ONE THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE

I have to remember that I AM:
 MICAELA THE FORGIVEN CHILD OF GOD
 MICAELA THE SET FREE CHILD OF GOD
 MICAELA THE LOVED CHILD OF GOD...

I have been through some horrible things in my life because I gave into temptations and because I allowed the devil to devour me I have lived my life with anxiety about those things, those temptations I have given into have always been right at the edge of the yard waiting to come in and say "you were never strong enough to say no..."  But now I know that I can cast my anxiety about those temptations on Him, because He cares for me, and with that knowledge I am strong enough to say "yes I am"

I AM MADE FOR MORE THAN EXCUSES AND VICIOUS CYCLES