Emotional Triggers....

What a topic... someone at Proverbs 31 seems to know me and how much I've been struggling... or maybe it is that coincidence thing... LOL 

I saw a quote the other day on either Facebook or Instagram and I liked it because it resonated with me.  Audrey Hepburn said, "I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."  Wow.  That is me completely.  My whole life it seems revolves around my need for someone to give me affection and my need to show someone else that affection back ten times more... it is a longing.... God created that in me but I failed the plan and purpose for it because I failed to understand that I was craving affection from Him.  I was numbing my longing with temporary physical pleasures that never EVER filled my need.  I have actually been depriving myself... How fitting that I would decide to get caught up after a breakdown and THIS is what I am reading.  I love how I see myself in all of this.  

Page 130 in the Made to Crave book talks about different situations that make you feel hurt and rejected.  Lysa talks about a crack in her resolve was caused by the extreme rejection of her biological father.  My father rejected me in a way... As a teenager I veered into some dark and stupid things.  My dad never was able to forgive me or understand that.  He went to work overseas.  According to my brother he HATED me... I cant ask him now because he died while working in Iraq.  I like to think that before he died my daddy saw how much I had changed and had forgiven me.  I hurt and long for that forgiveness.  That is a little crack that goes deep down to my core.  That is one of my biggest emotional triggers.  I feel like it is my fault that we as a family struggle now. My dad isnt here.  It is my fault my kids do not have their papaw... Emotional triggers that always lead me down the path that he would not be proud of me for going back to... I need to learn to not self-medicate with treats but rather to learn how to feed myself spiritually.  Next time I'm feeling one of the situations that make me feel hurt and rejected I need to ask God to be my daily portion.

Lamentations 3:22-24 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

What an amazing verse to keep close and remember...  I will overcome these triggers... I will fill in the cracks of my soul with God's love because really and truly nothing else will ever truly satisfy.  Even if I fall in love and someone loves me back ten fold that is all only second to God's love.  Nothing else is unfailing and absolute.

Insecurities and such...

Well this is my post for my Made to Crave bible study for week 3... yes I do know I am behind and I am hoping to get caught up tonight.  So chapter 7 talks about insecurities... looking back over the last few weeks I am starting to realize more and more that when I do not measure up in some type of way, and probably all in my head, I tend to go into withdrawal mode.. Something small and insignificant to someone else can send me into a complete withdrawal.  I absolutely have a flawed perception of myself.  I have always gotten my sense of identity and self worth from the wrong things.  These are things that I am very aware of, but still, let that one tiny, little, insignificant little thing send me into a direct tail spin...

I do believe that I need to pick up my bible.  I need to have verses that whisper in my ear when I'm starting to feel insignificant... Even if I cant remember them at the moment... just a whisper in my ear telling me which direction to go when I pick up my bible would be nice... I'm learning, the hard way of course, that it is vital to my success to fill my mind with God's words.  I'm also learning the hard way that this is about so much more than just food for me.... yes food is a major aspect of it.  I'm giving up soda, white flours, and fast food... but more than that is the withdrawing and the breakdown of everything good inside of me... maybe one day I will have it all together... maybe I wont but I do hope that I will be one step closer by hearing the whisper of the spirit telling me where to turn when I open up my bible...

God will never give You something that was intended for someone else....

Got to love when you are in the midst of learning an already hard lesson and someone decides that maybe you also need to realize a couple of other things... Well I can thank Mr. Tyrese Gibson himself for that.  First of all I am a total fan and one of my very good friends from work showed me this video... Well smack me in the face and step all over my toes... So he was talking about praying and how God wants us to pray specific prayers.  He also said that "Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous."  That is such a powerful statement and a really cool way to look at that.... I was definitely interested in the video now...well then he says that "God will never give you something that was intended for someone else... you may have prayed for it, even claimed it, but it's not yours.  God loves you enough to not give you something that was not meant for you." UGH thanks alot Tyrese.... Ok so in the next couple of days I am planning on catching up with my Made to Crave bible study... Which means blogging ALOT!! Sorry in advance :)

I"m back...

Yes I had to take a little break... read breakdown... but I"m back.  Sometimes you have a set back and you feel like your world has ended but you are going to push through and that is what I had earlier this year in January... but then the devil comes back and say's you are not going to push through at all... and then you completely fall apart.  Yea well that is exactly how my February has been.  Here I was pushing along at the end of January/beginning of February just going thinking my little breakdown was done and then **** BAM**** nope it was like a force hit me and all of a sudden I was the old Micaela... I was the Micaela who didnt care, who did what she wanted when she wanted... how did I become her again... I forgot everything good.  The worst part of it was I knew that I should not be acting this way.  I kept telling myself to stop it... but nope I didnt stop.  I think that part of it was after me posting about Cherish and how much I missed her I found out she blocked me from Facebook.  Why.  What did I do wrong.  Well I never got an answer and honestly right now I do not care.  It is her issue not mine and I can not make it mine.  Well I can but duh that is kind of what got me into this dark freaking hole I'm in now.... anyways so here is what happened... guy at work was interested in me... did I ever mention I have this crazy need to love and be loved... yea well anyways he was interested.  He was totally my old type, gangster to the core, but he had a job, he worked where I work so that is a step up right... plus as long as I had said no to him we were just friends, he kept on saying all of the right things... he was changed, he wanted a girl that was good, he wanted to fall in love and have something that was forever... blah blah blah... so I ended up giving in... right around the same time as that other chick was getting engaged... coincidence?  Nope probably not... anyways I fell hard.  And slowly all of my old ways started coming back out of the woodwork... my musical tastes were going backwards, how do I know every word to every rap album that was too hard core to be played on the radio... Scarface anyone... my mouth was working overtime... now I have never quite managed to stop the curse words from spewing from my mouth but I had calmed down alot but not now... and my absolute favorite was the behaviors I have all of a sudden been willing to put up with.... Wow how desperate am I for someone to say that they love me.  Oh and best of all he never even said I love you... I'm not sure why it always takes a complete self control breakdown for me to realize what is wrong with me... Also why is it that when I have a minor set back I completely revert back to all of my old ways... ugh I hate questions I do not want to face answers too... but I am facing them.  This week I plan on catching up with everything.  I also plan on getting my self-control back on track... will it be easy NOPE but it will be oh so worth it.  If you are still here and reading this thing... well Thank You 

So excited today

So today I get to order my new excercise/eating plan.  It is called The 21 Day Fix it is by BeachBody and I am extremely excited!! Before my plan was just eat right and go to the gym... well that has not been working so well for me.  I am an OK eater, meaning that I do not eat horribly but at the same time I have a weakness and that is fast food.  Not because I like it because I really do not like it but because during the week when I am at work it is just easier.  I also had been really good about going to the gym in the mornings before work.  Well then it got cold and my car has no heater and no defroster... so yea getting up at 5 am and hitting the gym has kind of gone out the window... So this is going to HOPEFULLY help with that since this is working out at home... now I'm not a complete idiot I know that I still have to put some effort into this... I know that if I can do it for 21 days it becomes more of a habit so I'm excited.  This is my birthday present from my mom and my kids... We will see.  I am cutting this short cause I have to catch up on my made to crave study today... Pretty much just was lazy alllll weekend :)

1 PETER 5:7-8a...

1 Peter 5:7-8a " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

Wow... well apparently the devil has had his fun devouring me lately.  If you have read any of my past entries you know how I have let my anxiety take over me completely.  This verse waited to speak to me until today because well apparently God likes to punch me in the gut exactly when I need it... I have to learn how to cast all my anxiety on Him and for me I have to also learn how to leave it there.  He does not need my help with it once I have given it to Him.  

He cares for me... wow what a statement.  Oftentimes I sit and wonder what it would be like for someone to genuinely care for me.  Unfortunately what I often fail to realize is that someone does care for me.  He still cares for me even when I reject Him, even when I fail to realize that He is all I need, even when He wipes away my tears.  He loves me.  He cares for me.  

Be alert and of sober mind... obviously I need to work on this one, who am I kidding I need to work on most everything, but being alert for me means knowing when I am having my self-doubt, my insecurities, my feelings of not being good enough, those are all the devil trying to devour me... and I have been letting him.  I have to remember that I am in control of my feelings. 

In chapter 5 of my Made to Crave study this week I read this: I WAS MADE FOR MORE and that hit me a little bit.  I also read that any temptation is still temptation.  Whether that means drugs, alcohol, sex, or the bowl of chips and dip, TEMPTATION IS STILL TEMPTATION.  So when I give in to temptation, no matter how big or small it may seem to me, I am letting the devil devour me.  Instead I should give my anxiety, the temptation, to Him.  Why, because He cares for me... 

I have to remember that I am NOT:
 THE BAD GIRL
 THE DRUG USER
 THE GIRL WHO EVERYONE HATES
 THE BAD MOTHER
 THE ONE THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE

I have to remember that I AM:
 MICAELA THE FORGIVEN CHILD OF GOD
 MICAELA THE SET FREE CHILD OF GOD
 MICAELA THE LOVED CHILD OF GOD...

I have been through some horrible things in my life because I gave into temptations and because I allowed the devil to devour me I have lived my life with anxiety about those things, those temptations I have given into have always been right at the edge of the yard waiting to come in and say "you were never strong enough to say no..."  But now I know that I can cast my anxiety about those temptations on Him, because He cares for me, and with that knowledge I am strong enough to say "yes I am"

I AM MADE FOR MORE THAN EXCUSES AND VICIOUS CYCLES

Trying to get stronger...

Well last night sucked.... but I woke up again this morning.  I'm breathing.  I'm healthy. I'm thankful for the job that I have even though it is a dead end job at least I have one.  I'm thankful for my beautiful babies even though they drive me insane especially as they are all in the pre-teen/teen years.  I'm thankful for a place to live even though it is not my own place... I do have things I am thankful for even though sometimes it does not seem like it... I am thankful for the knowledge that I can do all of this on my own even though deep down I do not want to continue doing it on my own... I realize that everything good happens in God's timing.  I get that I really do.  But just this once before I lose all my hope I do wish that He would find a way to show me that there is something coming.  Something better than I could have ever imagined... 

Last night I read chapter 4 of Made to Crave for my online bible study... one of the questions that was asked at the end was "When a friend experiences success with healthy food choices and losing weight, do you feel encouraged and inspired by this or do you feel discouraged and envious? Do you communicate your feelings to your friend or do you keep them to yourself?"  I know the answer to that and by now I'm beyond sure that all of you know the answer also.  LOL of course I get discouraged and envious, but I obviously feel that way in all areas of my life... not just with my food and weight... but with job promotions, love lives, personal things that do not even pertain to me... you name it.  What a horrible way I am living.  The problem is I do not know, yet, how to change it... I will learn this.  That is part of becoming beautiful on my inside... there is no room for envy.  I have to let go... Ahhhh it is only January, the end of it though, and I see that I still have an amazingly long way to go..... I CAN AND I WILL DO THIS... I will win.  I will be beautiful...