Monday, February 22, 2010

trying to get one

Well I'm new to blogging so this may or may not be interesting! So I apologize in advance....
I'm calling this getting beautiful day one because today is the first day of me getting my life in order, or becoming beautiful. For so long now being beautiful has been important to me, maybe because I have never really felt beautiful before, but I always thought that being beautiful meant just being pretty on the outside. Oh sure I know that you have to be a nice person too but I was more interested in being "pretty"! So I carefully apply my makeup each morning, I put it on just right, and I go to work and feel blah for the rest of the day.
Needless to say I am doing something wrong :) I guess I didn't realize that makeup isn't going to fix me. I haven't had the easiest life; from the time I turned 13 I have had a pretty hard life. But the thing is I made it hard; no one else made the choices I made. I chose to run away, I chose to run with gangs and people who were bad. I made the choice to find the worst of the worst and try and validate my decision by finding something I thought was good in them. I chose to be "hard" and push the limits. Oh sure I blamed everyone else, but I am the one who made the decisions.
So now I'm 30, I'm single, I'm not happy, and I'm feeling pretty hopeless. Time for changes!
So first things first, why am I not happy? Well that is easy, I'm single, I'm 30 and I'm about 20 pounds heavier than I want to be. Oh did I mention that I have four kids who have the worst dads EVER? Yes I know that cant be; surely I didn't let my "hard" attitude find me guys who would beat me, cheat on me, and abandon me? Why yes, yes I did!
So how do I turn this horrible attitude around? Well I thought about this for a long time and I think the best way is to bury myself in the sand on some beach and have each of the (wonderful) bratz that I gave birth to bring me, strong, drinks with alot of alcohol in them....
Ok now back to reality, that would actually require me to be in a bathing suit so that idea is out! Now on to plan b, I'm going to start making me beautiful, and since I'm pretty hot on the outside, I'm going to start on the inside. So this means I have to start working on all of this crap! First thing is going to be my sailor mouth, yes I know shocker again, I have the mouth of a sailor! I don't care who hears me, yes mother of the year right here! I don't even know where I get it from really, my daddy had a mouth, but not like mine! So I'm going to make a real effort to stop, and by stop I do mean cut down, on my cussing.
Now the second thing I'm going to do is make an effort to lose these 20 pounds. Since this is a little easier I'm going to give myself a time limit. Yea I have had a few drinks, so what?
Anyways, I'm going to give myself until June 1st to lose this 2o pounds. I will start the Jillian Michael's DVDs and I'm going to devote myself to them! I'll check in on here daily, or every other daily, and update my progress. I'll also start working through all of the demons I have pushed down....So I may vent on here occasionally, again advance apologizing!!
Well fellow bloggers, or whoever is reading this, wish me luck and lets do this!