Thursday, January 30, 2014

1 PETER 5:7-8a...

1 Peter 5:7-8a " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

Wow... well apparently the devil has had his fun devouring me lately.  If you have read any of my past entries you know how I have let my anxiety take over me completely.  This verse waited to speak to me until today because well apparently God likes to punch me in the gut exactly when I need it... I have to learn how to cast all my anxiety on Him and for me I have to also learn how to leave it there.  He does not need my help with it once I have given it to Him.  

He cares for me... wow what a statement.  Oftentimes I sit and wonder what it would be like for someone to genuinely care for me.  Unfortunately what I often fail to realize is that someone does care for me.  He still cares for me even when I reject Him, even when I fail to realize that He is all I need, even when He wipes away my tears.  He loves me.  He cares for me.  

Be alert and of sober mind... obviously I need to work on this one, who am I kidding I need to work on most everything, but being alert for me means knowing when I am having my self-doubt, my insecurities, my feelings of not being good enough, those are all the devil trying to devour me... and I have been letting him.  I have to remember that I am in control of my feelings. 

In chapter 5 of my Made to Crave study this week I read this: I WAS MADE FOR MORE and that hit me a little bit.  I also read that any temptation is still temptation.  Whether that means drugs, alcohol, sex, or the bowl of chips and dip, TEMPTATION IS STILL TEMPTATION.  So when I give in to temptation, no matter how big or small it may seem to me, I am letting the devil devour me.  Instead I should give my anxiety, the temptation, to Him.  Why, because He cares for me... 

I have to remember that I am NOT:

I have to remember that I AM:

I have been through some horrible things in my life because I gave into temptations and because I allowed the devil to devour me I have lived my life with anxiety about those things, those temptations I have given into have always been right at the edge of the yard waiting to come in and say "you were never strong enough to say no..."  But now I know that I can cast my anxiety about those temptations on Him, because He cares for me, and with that knowledge I am strong enough to say "yes I am"


P31 OBS Blog Hop

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Trying to get stronger...

Well last night sucked.... but I woke up again this morning.  I'm breathing.  I'm healthy. I'm thankful for the job that I have even though it is a dead end job at least I have one.  I'm thankful for my beautiful babies even though they drive me insane especially as they are all in the pre-teen/teen years.  I'm thankful for a place to live even though it is not my own place... I do have things I am thankful for even though sometimes it does not seem like it... I am thankful for the knowledge that I can do all of this on my own even though deep down I do not want to continue doing it on my own... I realize that everything good happens in God's timing.  I get that I really do.  But just this once before I lose all my hope I do wish that He would find a way to show me that there is something coming.  Something better than I could have ever imagined... 

Last night I read chapter 4 of Made to Crave for my online bible study... one of the questions that was asked at the end was "When a friend experiences success with healthy food choices and losing weight, do you feel encouraged and inspired by this or do you feel discouraged and envious? Do you communicate your feelings to your friend or do you keep them to yourself?"  I know the answer to that and by now I'm beyond sure that all of you know the answer also.  LOL of course I get discouraged and envious, but I obviously feel that way in all areas of my life... not just with my food and weight... but with job promotions, love lives, personal things that do not even pertain to me... you name it.  What a horrible way I am living.  The problem is I do not know, yet, how to change it... I will learn this.  That is part of becoming beautiful on my inside... there is no room for envy.  I have to let go... Ahhhh it is only January, the end of it though, and I see that I still have an amazingly long way to go..... I CAN AND I WILL DO THIS... I will win.  I will be beautiful...

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

So sad

Ugh... not a great night. I'm trying so hard not to slip back into this darkness. .. I totally feel it pulling me. Telling me that I'm not good enough, no one is going to want me, I'm fat, I'm old, I have four kids... I live with my mom... ugh so many thoughts like that. I was supposed to go to small group tonight but before I left work my whole positive attitude left. All because of a valentines day conversation.  First of all for someone like me the holidays suck. I'm single and that is the time for engagements and all that stuff then you have valentines day which is horrible for me and right after that you have my birthday.  I won't even get into March yet. Anyways I'm not saying at all that all single people hate the holidays or valentines but for ME they are extremely hard. Anyways so at work people are married or in a relationship and they were talking about the big plans they had. I am just sitting there... one more year I'm completely alone. Like when does this end. When do I get a happily ever after. I don't need someone in my life I've gone two years almost 3 alone... but it would be nice to have a bad day and no that no matter what I have someone at home that will have my back... someone to hold me when I'm down... but I don't have that. Again. I don't know what plans God has for me but it would be great to be able to see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel... sorry for the extra post but I needed to write

Random Thoughts

I came across the following saying in a book, I believe it was The Purpose Driven Life, and for some reason today it keeps jumping out in my thoughts... 

"You only exist because God wills that you exist.  You were made by God and for God - And until you understand that, life will never make sense."

That is such a great statement for me right now.  It speaks directly to where I am right now and it also speaks volumes about where I want to be... I put this phrase up on my wall at work so that I can see it.  I know seeing it and believing it are soooooo different but hey baby steps people... :)

Tonight I'm going to my first small group at church.  I'm hoping and praying that it is not a bunch of 18-25 year olds and that there are some people close to my age... I signed up for a singles one though so that can go either way.  I am going with a good friend from work and she is 20 LOL so if nothing else at least she can get plugged in.  I am also going to the Celebrate Recovery on Thursday night.  I'm still excited about that because I have come to the realization that some of the things I have been through in my past I have never actually dealt with.  I have just pushed them so far down inside of me that I thought they were gone... Then they decide to jump up and down and say hey remember me I'''''mmmmmm baaaaacccckkk.  So I'm ready to start dealing with them but obviously I can not do it on my own.  Some days I do not even want to get out of bed.  Truth be told yesterday I didnt get out of bed.  I called in sick.  I stayed home and cried.  So I'm hoping that I can learn to recover from some of the traumatic experiences of my past... I think part of my problem has always been that I recognize that I put myself in the places I did so I have to take responsibility that most of my traumatic experiences were consequences of my own choices and actions so I dont think that I have ever felt like I deserved to get over them or deal with them.  Now I realize that if I truly want to get away from them and move past them without ever going back I HAVE to deal with them.  I have to forgive myself for that time of my life... now I'm ready to do that but I need help.  So that is what I'm hoping to get out of Celebrate Recovery... I've never really been though so I'm not sure that is what it is for... I guess maybe that is where the nervousness comes in... I think that God is leading me there though... I feel like He is the one telling me it is time... Time to start listening and it is time to start living my life for God.  I kinda wish He would be a little louder though at least until I get it all figured out and I know when it is Him talking and not just me talking to myself...

Monday, January 27, 2014

Monday after a weekend of the blues...

Ok so this weekend was both hard and also eye opening... First of all I need to open up a little bit about my ex sister in law I talked about a few posts back.  Cherish and me met when she first began dating my brother about 10 or 11 years ago... Forever ago LOL I didn't get to know her very much at first... honestly it wasn't until her and my brother divorced then got back together that me and her became kind of close... She was the sister that I never had but always wanted.  She was/is beautiful, she has more patience then I have ever dreamed of having, she is smart, kind, and just beautiful.  Do not get me wrong she has not had an easy life, she has done her fair share of sinning... LOL I'm not saying that any of that should be forgotten and yes I am helping to raise her daughter, however, forgiveness is an amazing thing.  It is two fold. It should be given and it should be received.  About a year and a half ago Cherish got clean and sober and she found God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  Yep she found all three... here I was just casually being a "sometime sinner"... meaning I was going to church, I was telling myself that I was doing the "right" things most of the time so I was good.  Unfortunately I was telling myself exactly what I wanted to hear and that is all I was doing.  Cherish on the other hand... well she was finding all of the happiness and fullness I was still searching for... she was finding it because somehow she knew that the only place to find all of that was through Christ.  She GOT IT.  I slowly pulled away from her.  Not because I didn't want what she had but because I wasn't getting IT.  I didn't realize that I was doing things all wrong.  That never hit me until last week.  November we met Cherish's boyfriend.  He is a great Christian man who LOVES her with everything inside of him.  I am going on 2 years single.. Cant even get someone to look at me a second time... Slowly the jealousy started creeping in... December Justin asked Cherish to marry him... talk about a blow to my head.  See in my head I had been doing so "good" for so long... not really but in MY head I had been.  Do not get me wrong I wasn't doing anything necessarily BAD but I was just going through the "good" motions.  Cherish was DOING. Cherish was living and breathing for Christ.  I was living and breathing for me but thinking about Christ on the side.  So on Christmas day I exploded on the inside.  I was done with her.  I wanted nothing to do with her.  It was her fault that she was happy and I was not, right... Oh yea the answer is a big fat NO.  Basically I withdrew from everyone and everything.  Luckily I woke up with the Made 2 Crave bible study.  I knew all along that I needed to make changes.  Finally I decided to do something about the changes I needed to make.  I am going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting at my church on Thursday.  Not because I'm a drug addict or anything like that but because I need more help than I can give myself on over coming some of my past issues.  So I've asked Cherish to go with me.  I plan on apologizing for being so horrible to her... She knows my past and she knows my issues and she is going to be forgiving because that is just her spirit.  Honestly I love her like she is still my sister and I always will.  I have learned though that I want to be like her.  I want to have the spirit that she has.  I am going to ask her to teach me to be as Christ-like as she is.  I want to be as beautiful on the inside as she is.  

Thats all I have today... I just wanted to get it all out.  So now that you kind of know the back story my weekend sucked.  I cried for the things I do not have and then I got up and went to church.  I got fed.  I also figured out what I want.  I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore.  I am going to wake up every morning and I'm going to thank God for what I do have.  I know that God will use me but first I have to be able to handle my present situation.  If I can not handle the present situation how can I expect Him to give me more... so that is what I'm going to work on... I'm going to work on handling the present situation.  #Determined... funny that is what the word of the week is in my M2C bible study this week.  Should be an interesting blog hop ;)  See you guys later... I'll try to be shorter

Friday, January 24, 2014

What a wild ride...

So I have a hard time trusting people... anyone that knows me, the real back story, no holds barred, me would say that I have good reasons not to trust people.  But I need, no I want to learn how to trust God.  Not just say "Oh I trust God will do this or that" but like seriously no questions asked just complete and full TRUST.  I know people that have this trust with Him but no matter how hard I try to achieve it or how much I say I trust him there is always this little twinge of doubt... maybe not at first, but eventually it finds it's way in my heart... I hate that doubt.  How do I get past that little bit of doubt... How do I just blindly say "Ok God take it away, I trust You."  Hmmmm that is definitely something I need to work on learning to do this year.  

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Love this verse!! Now how can I implement this in MY life... I hate leaning on my own understanding cause it never works.  Another favorite verse of mine is Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  

I am trying really hard to believe that.  I do not want to think that I have missed out on the plans that the Lord has, or had, for me... One of my hardest "cravings" is the craving I have for love.  I had big plans for my life when I was younger.  I was going to be married with a house full of kids.  I was going to live in the country surrounded by dogs, pigs, goats, kids, and chickens... As each birthday comes around I cry a little more for dreams that do not seem as if they are ever going to happen.  I have the house full of kids but I was never good enough to LOVE enough to marry.  Now dont get me wrong the two guys that I chose to have children with are not anywhere close to what I need, want, or deserve.  They beat me black and blue, cheated on me, did NOT love me, and do not take care of the children they helped create.  So I'm not upset that I did not marry one of them, however as each year comes and goes and I do not seem to be good enough for anyone else I mourn the plans I had for my life... I wonder if God has forgotten about me.  I wonder if I screwed up my life for so long, did I possibly screw up God's plans for me... did I miss out on what He had planned for my life... I love my children more than life itself, but they are getting older.  My son is 16 and my youngest "baby" is 11, soon they will be on with their lives and then I will be alone. So as my birthday is coming up in a month I am starting to mourn again... another year older.  Another year of not having my dreams come true... So my goal this year is to learn how to TRUST Him.  Complete and total trust that my God still has some plan for me and my life... This will be the year I learn to stop mourning and start TRUSTING.  One last verse that I want to share is this...

Isaiah 40:31  But those who trust in The Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint

Thursday, January 23, 2014


em·pow·er  (m-pour)
tr.v. em·pow·eredem·pow·er·ingem·pow·ers
1. To invest with power, especially legal power or official authority. See Synonyms at authorize.
2. To equip or supply with an ability; enable: "Computers ... empower students to become intellectual explorers"(Edward B. Fiske).

What a word.  That little word means such BIG things... for me anyways.  Maybe it is because I have never used the word.  I have EMPOWERED plenty of people in my life but I have not ever EMPOWERED myself... How sad is that!  Well that is going to change this year... I am tired of giving other people and things power over me and my happiness... The whole point of me trying to get beautiful means I have to take responsibility and part of taking responsibility is owning the fact that I have been EMPOWERING other people and things.  

I went to church last night for the first time since the beginning of November.  I felt nervous.  I also felt like the message was just for me... funny how that works huh... at one point the pastor said he wanted to pray for people that had no idea what gift God had given them.  Well that was me so when he asked the people that felt like that to raise their hands so I did... I prayed the prayer and I meant it.  What on earth did God put me here for... I've done so much and seen so much in my life... I have had four children, I have lived through some abuse that I would wish on no one, I have done so many drugs in one night that most people would not wake up the next morning... sorry but that is honesty... I have almost died two separate times, but I am still here... Why.  
What am I missing.. so last night I prayed, and prayed.  After the pastor was done praying for us he started a prayer for the people that knew what God had put them here for but did not know how to get started.  I prayed for them too and then the pastor stopped.  He said that he had this feeling that someone, maybe more than one person, was feeling like Satan stole something from them.  I froze. I knew he meant me... he was looking towards where I was sitting. I raised my hand, and so did a few others, and people came and prayed over us and I felt #EMPOWERED.  Because I was able to admit that I felt like Satan stole my spirit.  He took my life again and I had empowered Him to do that.  But last night standing in Freedom Life Church I took that power back.  I #EMPOWERED myself.  I still do not know what God wants me to do or what gift I am not seeing that He gave me, but I know that as I take this year and work on myself, inside and out, I will learn what it is.  I will learn how to Crave God and not food.  I will learn that some cravings are ok. We are Made to Crave things and that is awesome!! I know that some cravings are good, I crave time with my family, I crave excercise, I crave to know God better... all those cravings are ok.  I even think that my craving love is ok but I have to know that when I start looking towards the world for that love that I so desperately crave I am not going to get anything better than what I have already had.  I have to look to God for that love, that unconditional, sent my son to die for you, kind of love.  I can do this...

Wednesday, January 22, 2014


Well I apparently am going to have to deal with lots of feelings during this journey to becoming beautiful... I am not one who deals with feelings well... I like to push them down somewhere deep inside of me and pretend that they are not there or that they do not exist... However I do see how that is hurtful and not helpful to becoming beautiful on the inside.  So I am dealing with these feelings... the first being the feeling of not being good enough.  Why do I not feel like I am good enough for the best.  Well because of my past, being told that I was not good enough, being treated like I was not good enough... all of the above LOL.  I am dealing with it though and I will change my thinking.  I also have gotten so far away from God in just a few short months I have left all of the good things I was doing on the floor right where I dropped them.  For what... well because I was hurt.  Why am I not finding love, or better yet why is love not finding me.  Why am I still not successful... why am I not happy.  Well I have been upset and bitter for the last few months... the month of December was EXTREMELY hard since my ex sister in law became engaged.  Oh I was really mad then... How dare God give her the happiness I am so desperately searching for....  Why her God???? I am raising HER daughter because she was so strung out on drugs for YEARS.  She has only been doing good for 1 YEAR and I have been doing good for so many.  But wait... was I really doing all that good? Well that was a hard answer to admit... Obviously the answer is no.  I mean yes I was going to church, well until November when things stopped going my way... yes I was not doing SOME of the old habits... until I had my #icantbelievethingsarenotgoingmywayyet breakdown... So I had to make a decision.  This year I can continue to do all of the things "right" and I'm talking about the way I want them to be right... or I can start 2014 off the God way and actually BE HAPPY.  So today is about change.  Changing the way I think and do things and leaning on God.  And doing things His way for a change... Tonight I am going back to church for the first time since the beginning of November.  I am going to get involved in one of the many Life Groups my church offers and I am going to become INVOLVED.  I am also doing the Made to Crave online bible study.  And yes I am beginning to see a glimmer of light in the darkness I've surrounded myself in...

Monday, January 20, 2014

My favorite Scripture

So I'm trying to get beautiful... Inside and out.  I've lost myself a little over the last few months and I'm trying to get back to the beautiful on the inside me so that I can work more on the beautiful outside me and not feel like a fraud.

My favorite scripture is Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength
They will soar high on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not faint

I have not been very trusting of the Lord lately. I have not had my strength renewed because I have been looking to myself for strength. I am tired, weak and faint.  After re-reading this verse I know that the reason for that is because I have not been trusting the Lord.  It is crazy the timing that He has.  I started my online bible study this morning with Proverbs 31 ministry (Made to Crave) and I am determined to get back to where I need to be.  He saved me from the dark side once before and I was in so deep.  I should not be alive today. I should not be in any of the situations I am finding myself in again because I have been saved.  I have been looking for a man to save me but I have forgotten that a man DID save me.  1000 years ago on a cross.  And I need to remind myself of that daily.  Yes other people are where I want to be.  I am no where near where I want to be.  However I need to stop dwelling on that.  Surely my God has a bigger plan for me.  I can not imagine that He has brought me this far only to say "ok here you are, but that is it no happy ending for you".  If he did bring me this far for only that... well then I should still be thankful because I deserve so much worse than what I have been given.

Ok I'll see you Thursday for the Blog Hop...