Feelings...

Well I apparently am going to have to deal with lots of feelings during this journey to becoming beautiful... I am not one who deals with feelings well... I like to push them down somewhere deep inside of me and pretend that they are not there or that they do not exist... However I do see how that is hurtful and not helpful to becoming beautiful on the inside.  So I am dealing with these feelings... the first being the feeling of not being good enough.  Why do I not feel like I am good enough for the best.  Well because of my past, being told that I was not good enough, being treated like I was not good enough... all of the above LOL.  I am dealing with it though and I will change my thinking.  I also have gotten so far away from God in just a few short months I have left all of the good things I was doing on the floor right where I dropped them.  For what... well because I was hurt.  Why am I not finding love, or better yet why is love not finding me.  Why am I still not successful... why am I not happy.  Well I have been upset and bitter for the last few months... the month of December was EXTREMELY hard since my ex sister in law became engaged.  Oh I was really mad then... How dare God give her the happiness I am so desperately searching for....  Why her God???? I am raising HER daughter because she was so strung out on drugs for YEARS.  She has only been doing good for 1 YEAR and I have been doing good for so many.  But wait... was I really doing all that good? Well that was a hard answer to admit... Obviously the answer is no.  I mean yes I was going to church, well until November when things stopped going my way... yes I was not doing SOME of the old habits... until I had my #icantbelievethingsarenotgoingmywayyet breakdown... So I had to make a decision.  This year I can continue to do all of the things "right" and I'm talking about the way I want them to be right... or I can start 2014 off the God way and actually BE HAPPY.  So today is about change.  Changing the way I think and do things and leaning on God.  And doing things His way for a change... Tonight I am going back to church for the first time since the beginning of November.  I am going to get involved in one of the many Life Groups my church offers and I am going to become INVOLVED.  I am also doing the Made to Crave online bible study.  And yes I am beginning to see a glimmer of light in the darkness I've surrounded myself in...