Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Random Thoughts

I came across the following saying in a book, I believe it was The Purpose Driven Life, and for some reason today it keeps jumping out in my thoughts... 

"You only exist because God wills that you exist.  You were made by God and for God - And until you understand that, life will never make sense."

That is such a great statement for me right now.  It speaks directly to where I am right now and it also speaks volumes about where I want to be... I put this phrase up on my wall at work so that I can see it.  I know seeing it and believing it are soooooo different but hey baby steps people... :)

Tonight I'm going to my first small group at church.  I'm hoping and praying that it is not a bunch of 18-25 year olds and that there are some people close to my age... I signed up for a singles one though so that can go either way.  I am going with a good friend from work and she is 20 LOL so if nothing else at least she can get plugged in.  I am also going to the Celebrate Recovery on Thursday night.  I'm still excited about that because I have come to the realization that some of the things I have been through in my past I have never actually dealt with.  I have just pushed them so far down inside of me that I thought they were gone... Then they decide to jump up and down and say hey remember me I'''''mmmmmm baaaaacccckkk.  So I'm ready to start dealing with them but obviously I can not do it on my own.  Some days I do not even want to get out of bed.  Truth be told yesterday I didnt get out of bed.  I called in sick.  I stayed home and cried.  So I'm hoping that I can learn to recover from some of the traumatic experiences of my past... I think part of my problem has always been that I recognize that I put myself in the places I did so I have to take responsibility that most of my traumatic experiences were consequences of my own choices and actions so I dont think that I have ever felt like I deserved to get over them or deal with them.  Now I realize that if I truly want to get away from them and move past them without ever going back I HAVE to deal with them.  I have to forgive myself for that time of my life... now I'm ready to do that but I need help.  So that is what I'm hoping to get out of Celebrate Recovery... I've never really been though so I'm not sure that is what it is for... I guess maybe that is where the nervousness comes in... I think that God is leading me there though... I feel like He is the one telling me it is time... Time to start listening and it is time to start living my life for God.  I kinda wish He would be a little louder though at least until I get it all figured out and I know when it is Him talking and not just me talking to myself...

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