Ok so this weekend was both hard and also eye opening... First of all I need to open up a little bit about my ex sister in law I talked about a few posts back. Cherish and me met when she first began dating my brother about 10 or 11 years ago... Forever ago LOL I didn't get to know her very much at first... honestly it wasn't until her and my brother divorced then got back together that me and her became kind of close... She was the sister that I never had but always wanted. She was/is beautiful, she has more patience then I have ever dreamed of having, she is smart, kind, and just beautiful. Do not get me wrong she has not had an easy life, she has done her fair share of sinning... LOL I'm not saying that any of that should be forgotten and yes I am helping to raise her daughter, however, forgiveness is an amazing thing. It is two fold. It should be given and it should be received. About a year and a half ago Cherish got clean and sober and she found God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Yep she found all three... here I was just casually being a "sometime sinner"... meaning I was going to church, I was telling myself that I was doing the "right" things most of the time so I was good. Unfortunately I was telling myself exactly what I wanted to hear and that is all I was doing. Cherish on the other hand... well she was finding all of the happiness and fullness I was still searching for... she was finding it because somehow she knew that the only place to find all of that was through Christ. She GOT IT. I slowly pulled away from her. Not because I didn't want what she had but because I wasn't getting IT. I didn't realize that I was doing things all wrong. That never hit me until last week. November we met Cherish's boyfriend. He is a great Christian man who LOVES her with everything inside of him. I am going on 2 years single.. Cant even get someone to look at me a second time... Slowly the jealousy started creeping in... December Justin asked Cherish to marry him... talk about a blow to my head. See in my head I had been doing so "good" for so long... not really but in MY head I had been. Do not get me wrong I wasn't doing anything necessarily BAD but I was just going through the "good" motions. Cherish was DOING. Cherish was living and breathing for Christ. I was living and breathing for me but thinking about Christ on the side. So on Christmas day I exploded on the inside. I was done with her. I wanted nothing to do with her. It was her fault that she was happy and I was not, right... Oh yea the answer is a big fat NO. Basically I withdrew from everyone and everything. Luckily I woke up with the Made 2 Crave bible study. I knew all along that I needed to make changes. Finally I decided to do something about the changes I needed to make. I am going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting at my church on Thursday. Not because I'm a drug addict or anything like that but because I need more help than I can give myself on over coming some of my past issues. So I've asked Cherish to go with me. I plan on apologizing for being so horrible to her... She knows my past and she knows my issues and she is going to be forgiving because that is just her spirit. Honestly I love her like she is still my sister and I always will. I have learned though that I want to be like her. I want to have the spirit that she has. I am going to ask her to teach me to be as Christ-like as she is. I want to be as beautiful on the inside as she is.
Thats all I have today... I just wanted to get it all out. So now that you kind of know the back story my weekend sucked. I cried for the things I do not have and then I got up and went to church. I got fed. I also figured out what I want. I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I am going to wake up every morning and I'm going to thank God for what I do have. I know that God will use me but first I have to be able to handle my present situation. If I can not handle the present situation how can I expect Him to give me more... so that is what I'm going to work on... I'm going to work on handling the present situation. #Determined... funny that is what the word of the week is in my M2C bible study this week. Should be an interesting blog hop ;) See you guys later... I'll try to be shorter