Thursday, June 19, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Chapter 5 in my P31 online bible study, The Limitless Life, by Derwin Gray talks about transforming from Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace... I'm not to the trophy of grace part yet but I'm closer than I was when I started this chapter.
From the time I was very young, I have no idea what age it started, I was abused... Honestly as a child I was abused by my grandfather but I can not tell you if he was the only one. I have no real memory before age 10. I have spotty memories of different things... I do remember feeling like I was damaged goods from a very young age. When I turned 15 I confused love with sex... I had sex with my boyfriend because that must mean he loved me... when I met my baby's father we had sex immediately and he moved me in with him... because he loved me. He beat me up daily and did unspeakable things to me but afterwards when he said he loved me that made it all ok because I was lucky anyone would love me I was damaged. This cycle just continued and in a way it still continues today... I still feel like I'm damaged goods and that affects everything that I do in my life.
The Woman at the Well... I feel like I am this woman. I have 4 bi-racial children from 2 different fathers, countless ex boyfriends, none of which I was good enough to marry, I'm living with my current boyfriend but we are not married, I'm covered in tattoos, any time I go anywhere I feel judged. If someone knows my past it is even worse. I avoid people who I fear will judge me. I avoid looking in the mirror because I know I'm going to judge myself. I would fit right in with the motley crew Derwin Gray describes in chapter 5. I could probably make up that motley crew by myself.... I wish that I could meet Jesus at that well. I crave to hear Him speak to me. Tell me why I'm here but I wont meet Him at the well... I will be more like Wanda. I connected with her also in pretty much every way... LOL I was definitely the one the Youth Group was warned about... even the Youth Pastor and his wife HATED me and cringed when I walked in... Oh how they could have changed my path... but to them I was damaged. I'm not blaming them either I get it but at that time I just craved being accepted and they could not accept my damaged self.... church was no longer where I wanted to be.... I even remember getting to that place that Wanda describes where Jesus is the only one who accepts her. I was there! I was plugged in and I STARTED FEELING LIKE A TROPHY OF HIS GRACE... then somehow I came back to the place I've known since I can remember... I'm back to being damaged goods... My life is again spiritually parched and lifeless... I need to start drinking my living water again... I know this and I crave it but I think I'm scared of it too... I'm scared of it all going away again. I do not want to be damaged goods anymore. I want to get back to being a trophy of HIS grace. I want to start believing that God sees me as more than damaged goods even if no one else ever sees me as any more than that.
One day I want people to talk about how I was once nothing, a loser, damaged goods and then I met Jesus and he unleashed His limitless life through ME, and because of ME, someone else's life was made eternally better.
"We roam through life lost, looking for a love and identity that no human, no job, no amount of money could ever provide. Our Papa in heaven is the only One who can provide us with the love and, ultimately, the identity we have been created for - a child of God."
Holy crap whoever wrote that has been in my head... I've said before that I am not made for this world. I get that, I know that, but it doesn't stop me from longing for things that I know I will not find here... So I was reading the Limitless Life by Derwin Gray for my Proverbs 31 online bible study and in chapter 4 he talks about going from Orphan to Adopted... I'm not an orphan, my mom is still alive, but I do have "Daddy issues" and in that chapter he talks about when we allow daddy wounds to limit our lives, we become anonymous people. Boy do I feel anonymous... When we are not connected to God our FATHER, we do not know who we are - we feel orphaned - and lose the capacity to discover our uniqueness. I did not always feel anonymous... I remember when I felt alive, I felt like I was beginning to discover exactly why God wanted me here... I've always struggled with what in the world He wanted to use me for. But at one point when I was plugged in and reading my bible I felt like I was so close to getting answers and then I just plummeted... that is the best way I know how to put it... I have overcome a lot, I have overcome being abused daily, I have overcome being a drug addict, I have overcome sexual abuse when I was a child, but for all of those things I have overcome there is so much more I have not even touched.... when I say I plummeted I did not get back into drugs I want to make that very clear. I have been in a very deep depression for well over a year, I have not overcome that. I have not overcome being out of a church family where I was involved. I have not overcome feeling helpless and hopeless, or feeling unworthy... I am back to a darkness where I am asking again, "God WHY AM I HERE" what in the world could you possibly want me to do for You? How can I find the answers now that I am so far away from Him... How do I get the Jesus loves me message to play continuously and stop replaying my past... In this chapter Derwin Gray says that Orphans Feel Abandoned... I feel that way. My father abandoned me... I blame myself for that... I was a bad kid, he didn't want to see that so he started working as a private contractor over seas in war torn countries... I'll never forget the time he came home from Bosnia and met me for lunch.. at that time I was living with my oldest kids father and I was newly pregnant with my first baby. When I met my dad for lunch that day I had a face covered in bruises and a black eye that you could not ignore. But my dad ignored it. We had lunch and he left me at the train station to go back to my baby's father. I knew it was my fault for being so horrible... but I felt abandoned. After my dad was killed in Irag about 8 years later my brother told me in the heat of a family argument that my dad never loved me... I still think about that all these years and I still feel abandoned. But now when I feel abandoned I feel like my dad abandoned my whole family and I feel like that is my fault. I feel like an orphan.
In this chapter he also gives us the keys to embracing a new label "Adopted"... I think that key 2 is the hardest for me... Key 2: Accept and Imitate the Forgiveness of God... that is actually pretty easy for me to forgive others. My kids fathers, I have forgiven them for the hurts that they have done to me and to my babies, my grandfather I have forgiven for the abuse, my brother I have forgiven for the hurtful words to me and my kids, my other brother I have forgiven for leaving us way to early... I have a problem forgiving myself... I don't know how to forgive myself... I do not know how to forgive myself for leaving my babies, I have not forgiven myself for causing my mom so much pain, I do not know how to forgive myself for causing my brothers to hate me and for not being the one that was taken from my parents instead of my brother, I do not know how to forgive myself for causing my dad to want to be away from us and ultimately causing him to be killed in Iraq, I do not know how to forgive myself for feeling like we abandoned my daddy in Iraq, I do not know how to forgive myself for continuing on this downward spiral...
I want to learn to forgive myself because I am stuck in this cycle of thinking how can God forgive me and now after reading this chapter I know God is thinking, How can I NOT forgive a person like you? You are exactly who I sent MY precious Son to die for... I am still stuck in the prison cell because I cant forgive myself but I don't know how to forgive me...
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
What do you think you know about me when you look at me like that?
Can you tell how tired I really am? And that I'm tired mentally, emotionally and spiritually, so my body now hurts from the inside out?
Can you see the stains from where people have touched me without my consent?
Can you see me flinch when you go to touch me? Not all touches are good and my body remembers them well.
Do you know where some of the scars actually came from?
Would you believe me if I told you?
And what does that make me?
Am I damaged goods?
Can you see that I am angry because I am scared? I don't know if I can trust you or even myself at this point.
I'm so tired.
What do you want from me? I don't have a lot to give.
Would you understand or pity me if you knew all of this about me? I don't need or want your pity. I'm doing okay and getting better every day.
If I sleep, will I wake up? Do I even want to?
Please don't touch my shell. It's very fragile and will break if you're not careful.
Why do you even care?
Am I worth the trouble?
Would you walk away because I'm too much to handle?
How she knew what my heart was feeling is beyond me but thank you for reading my heart and allowing me to express what it needed to say... check her out she is wise beyond her years!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Needless to say I'm more than ready to start this one. So today I received an email talking about the normal blog hop that they do with these bible studies and talking about community. Just the other day I was talking about home and church and when they said in the email that this online bible study is like our own little community I started thinking about how church is like my own little community. When I was involved and everyone was together it was a big community. Then I left the community and then I came back and the community had changed. How normal is that though... I mean you grow up in one community and when you go away to college, or move away from home, or just go away for the summer more often than not when you come back some aspect of that community has changed. Not all changes are big or even bad but change is inevitable... I went back to church last Sunday. I went to the small church, they meet right next door to the building I grew up going to... it was weird to walk into that building instead of the one I was so familiar with... but when I walked in the love I felt was still the same. The welcoming was familiar. I felt at HOME... I did not visit the other church yet... I'm not sure why but I want to go back to the small church on Sunday again and I think I will continue to go... I would like to get involved again if that is possible. I would like to find my place in the new, smaller community. As for this online bible study I also hope to find my place... I realize that this community is much bigger and wider and spans places I've never seen but I would like to think I can find a place to fit in there too... to me community means that you fit together and you interact... I need interaction even if just through a blog post :) I guess that is all for now... If you are reading this and have not heard of Proverbs31.org or done any of their bible studies I encourage you to check them out...
Friday, May 16, 2014
Life is a messy thing... my life I have messed up and I'm not sure if I can fix it
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I saw a quote the other day on either Facebook or Instagram and I liked it because it resonated with me. Audrey Hepburn said, "I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it." Wow. That is me completely. My whole life it seems revolves around my need for someone to give me affection and my need to show someone else that affection back ten times more... it is a longing.... God created that in me but I failed the plan and purpose for it because I failed to understand that I was craving affection from Him. I was numbing my longing with temporary physical pleasures that never EVER filled my need. I have actually been depriving myself... How fitting that I would decide to get caught up after a breakdown and THIS is what I am reading. I love how I see myself in all of this.
Page 130 in the Made to Crave book talks about different situations that make you feel hurt and rejected. Lysa talks about a crack in her resolve was caused by the extreme rejection of her biological father. My father rejected me in a way... As a teenager I veered into some dark and stupid things. My dad never was able to forgive me or understand that. He went to work overseas. According to my brother he HATED me... I cant ask him now because he died while working in Iraq. I like to think that before he died my daddy saw how much I had changed and had forgiven me. I hurt and long for that forgiveness. That is a little crack that goes deep down to my core. That is one of my biggest emotional triggers. I feel like it is my fault that we as a family struggle now. My dad isnt here. It is my fault my kids do not have their papaw... Emotional triggers that always lead me down the path that he would not be proud of me for going back to... I need to learn to not self-medicate with treats but rather to learn how to feed myself spiritually. Next time I'm feeling one of the situations that make me feel hurt and rejected I need to ask God to be my daily portion.
Lamentations 3:22-24 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
What an amazing verse to keep close and remember... I will overcome these triggers... I will fill in the cracks of my soul with God's love because really and truly nothing else will ever truly satisfy. Even if I fall in love and someone loves me back ten fold that is all only second to God's love. Nothing else is unfailing and absolute.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
I do believe that I need to pick up my bible. I need to have verses that whisper in my ear when I'm starting to feel insignificant... Even if I cant remember them at the moment... just a whisper in my ear telling me which direction to go when I pick up my bible would be nice... I'm learning, the hard way of course, that it is vital to my success to fill my mind with God's words. I'm also learning the hard way that this is about so much more than just food for me.... yes food is a major aspect of it. I'm giving up soda, white flours, and fast food... but more than that is the withdrawing and the breakdown of everything good inside of me... maybe one day I will have it all together... maybe I wont but I do hope that I will be one step closer by hearing the whisper of the spirit telling me where to turn when I open up my bible...
Monday, February 17, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Wow... well apparently the devil has had his fun devouring me lately. If you have read any of my past entries you know how I have let my anxiety take over me completely. This verse waited to speak to me until today because well apparently God likes to punch me in the gut exactly when I need it... I have to learn how to cast all my anxiety on Him and for me I have to also learn how to leave it there. He does not need my help with it once I have given it to Him.
He cares for me... wow what a statement. Oftentimes I sit and wonder what it would be like for someone to genuinely care for me. Unfortunately what I often fail to realize is that someone does care for me. He still cares for me even when I reject Him, even when I fail to realize that He is all I need, even when He wipes away my tears. He loves me. He cares for me.
Be alert and of sober mind... obviously I need to work on this one, who am I kidding I need to work on most everything, but being alert for me means knowing when I am having my self-doubt, my insecurities, my feelings of not being good enough, those are all the devil trying to devour me... and I have been letting him. I have to remember that I am in control of my feelings.
In chapter 5 of my Made to Crave study this week I read this: I WAS MADE FOR MORE and that hit me a little bit. I also read that any temptation is still temptation. Whether that means drugs, alcohol, sex, or the bowl of chips and dip, TEMPTATION IS STILL TEMPTATION. So when I give in to temptation, no matter how big or small it may seem to me, I am letting the devil devour me. Instead I should give my anxiety, the temptation, to Him. Why, because He cares for me...
I have to remember that I am NOT:
THE BAD GIRL
THE DRUG USER
THE GIRL WHO EVERYONE HATES
THE BAD MOTHER
THE ONE THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE
I have to remember that I AM:
MICAELA THE FORGIVEN CHILD OF GOD
MICAELA THE SET FREE CHILD OF GOD
MICAELA THE LOVED CHILD OF GOD...
I have been through some horrible things in my life because I gave into temptations and because I allowed the devil to devour me I have lived my life with anxiety about those things, those temptations I have given into have always been right at the edge of the yard waiting to come in and say "you were never strong enough to say no..." But now I know that I can cast my anxiety about those temptations on Him, because He cares for me, and with that knowledge I am strong enough to say "yes I am"
I AM MADE FOR MORE THAN EXCUSES AND VICIOUS CYCLES
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Last night I read chapter 4 of Made to Crave for my online bible study... one of the questions that was asked at the end was "When a friend experiences success with healthy food choices and losing weight, do you feel encouraged and inspired by this or do you feel discouraged and envious? Do you communicate your feelings to your friend or do you keep them to yourself?" I know the answer to that and by now I'm beyond sure that all of you know the answer also. LOL of course I get discouraged and envious, but I obviously feel that way in all areas of my life... not just with my food and weight... but with job promotions, love lives, personal things that do not even pertain to me... you name it. What a horrible way I am living. The problem is I do not know, yet, how to change it... I will learn this. That is part of becoming beautiful on my inside... there is no room for envy. I have to let go... Ahhhh it is only January, the end of it though, and I see that I still have an amazingly long way to go..... I CAN AND I WILL DO THIS... I will win. I will be beautiful...
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Ugh... not a great night. I'm trying so hard not to slip back into this darkness. .. I totally feel it pulling me. Telling me that I'm not good enough, no one is going to want me, I'm fat, I'm old, I have four kids... I live with my mom... ugh so many thoughts like that. I was supposed to go to small group tonight but before I left work my whole positive attitude left. All because of a valentines day conversation. First of all for someone like me the holidays suck. I'm single and that is the time for engagements and all that stuff then you have valentines day which is horrible for me and right after that you have my birthday. I won't even get into March yet. Anyways I'm not saying at all that all single people hate the holidays or valentines but for ME they are extremely hard. Anyways so at work people are married or in a relationship and they were talking about the big plans they had. I am just sitting there... one more year I'm completely alone. Like when does this end. When do I get a happily ever after. I don't need someone in my life I've gone two years almost 3 alone... but it would be nice to have a bad day and no that no matter what I have someone at home that will have my back... someone to hold me when I'm down... but I don't have that. Again. I don't know what plans God has for me but it would be great to be able to see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel... sorry for the extra post but I needed to write
"You only exist because God wills that you exist. You were made by God and for God - And until you understand that, life will never make sense."
That is such a great statement for me right now. It speaks directly to where I am right now and it also speaks volumes about where I want to be... I put this phrase up on my wall at work so that I can see it. I know seeing it and believing it are soooooo different but hey baby steps people... :)
Tonight I'm going to my first small group at church. I'm hoping and praying that it is not a bunch of 18-25 year olds and that there are some people close to my age... I signed up for a singles one though so that can go either way. I am going with a good friend from work and she is 20 LOL so if nothing else at least she can get plugged in. I am also going to the Celebrate Recovery on Thursday night. I'm still excited about that because I have come to the realization that some of the things I have been through in my past I have never actually dealt with. I have just pushed them so far down inside of me that I thought they were gone... Then they decide to jump up and down and say hey remember me I'''''mmmmmm baaaaacccckkk. So I'm ready to start dealing with them but obviously I can not do it on my own. Some days I do not even want to get out of bed. Truth be told yesterday I didnt get out of bed. I called in sick. I stayed home and cried. So I'm hoping that I can learn to recover from some of the traumatic experiences of my past... I think part of my problem has always been that I recognize that I put myself in the places I did so I have to take responsibility that most of my traumatic experiences were consequences of my own choices and actions so I dont think that I have ever felt like I deserved to get over them or deal with them. Now I realize that if I truly want to get away from them and move past them without ever going back I HAVE to deal with them. I have to forgive myself for that time of my life... now I'm ready to do that but I need help. So that is what I'm hoping to get out of Celebrate Recovery... I've never really been though so I'm not sure that is what it is for... I guess maybe that is where the nervousness comes in... I think that God is leading me there though... I feel like He is the one telling me it is time... Time to start listening and it is time to start living my life for God. I kinda wish He would be a little louder though at least until I get it all figured out and I know when it is Him talking and not just me talking to myself...
Monday, January 27, 2014
Thats all I have today... I just wanted to get it all out. So now that you kind of know the back story my weekend sucked. I cried for the things I do not have and then I got up and went to church. I got fed. I also figured out what I want. I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I am going to wake up every morning and I'm going to thank God for what I do have. I know that God will use me but first I have to be able to handle my present situation. If I can not handle the present situation how can I expect Him to give me more... so that is what I'm going to work on... I'm going to work on handling the present situation. #Determined... funny that is what the word of the week is in my M2C bible study this week. Should be an interesting blog hop ;) See you guys later... I'll try to be shorter
Friday, January 24, 2014
Proverbs 3: 5-6 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Love this verse!! Now how can I implement this in MY life... I hate leaning on my own understanding cause it never works. Another favorite verse of mine is Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.
I am trying really hard to believe that. I do not want to think that I have missed out on the plans that the Lord has, or had, for me... One of my hardest "cravings" is the craving I have for love. I had big plans for my life when I was younger. I was going to be married with a house full of kids. I was going to live in the country surrounded by dogs, pigs, goats, kids, and chickens... As each birthday comes around I cry a little more for dreams that do not seem as if they are ever going to happen. I have the house full of kids but I was never good enough to LOVE enough to marry. Now dont get me wrong the two guys that I chose to have children with are not anywhere close to what I need, want, or deserve. They beat me black and blue, cheated on me, did NOT love me, and do not take care of the children they helped create. So I'm not upset that I did not marry one of them, however as each year comes and goes and I do not seem to be good enough for anyone else I mourn the plans I had for my life... I wonder if God has forgotten about me. I wonder if I screwed up my life for so long, did I possibly screw up God's plans for me... did I miss out on what He had planned for my life... I love my children more than life itself, but they are getting older. My son is 16 and my youngest "baby" is 11, soon they will be on with their lives and then I will be alone. So as my birthday is coming up in a month I am starting to mourn again... another year older. Another year of not having my dreams come true... So my goal this year is to learn how to TRUST Him. Complete and total trust that my God still has some plan for me and my life... This will be the year I learn to stop mourning and start TRUSTING. One last verse that I want to share is this...
Isaiah 40:31 But those who trust in The Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint
Thursday, January 23, 2014
What a word. That little word means such BIG things... for me anyways. Maybe it is because I have never used the word. I have EMPOWERED plenty of people in my life but I have not ever EMPOWERED myself... How sad is that! Well that is going to change this year... I am tired of giving other people and things power over me and my happiness... The whole point of me trying to get beautiful means I have to take responsibility and part of taking responsibility is owning the fact that I have been EMPOWERING other people and things.
I went to church last night for the first time since the beginning of November. I felt nervous. I also felt like the message was just for me... funny how that works huh... at one point the pastor said he wanted to pray for people that had no idea what gift God had given them. Well that was me so when he asked the people that felt like that to raise their hands so I did... I prayed the prayer and I meant it. What on earth did God put me here for... I've done so much and seen so much in my life... I have had four children, I have lived through some abuse that I would wish on no one, I have done so many drugs in one night that most people would not wake up the next morning... sorry but that is honesty... I have almost died two separate times, but I am still here... Why.
What am I missing.. so last night I prayed, and prayed. After the pastor was done praying for us he started a prayer for the people that knew what God had put them here for but did not know how to get started. I prayed for them too and then the pastor stopped. He said that he had this feeling that someone, maybe more than one person, was feeling like Satan stole something from them. I froze. I knew he meant me... he was looking towards where I was sitting. I raised my hand, and so did a few others, and people came and prayed over us and I felt #EMPOWERED. Because I was able to admit that I felt like Satan stole my spirit. He took my life again and I had empowered Him to do that. But last night standing in Freedom Life Church I took that power back. I #EMPOWERED myself. I still do not know what God wants me to do or what gift I am not seeing that He gave me, but I know that as I take this year and work on myself, inside and out, I will learn what it is. I will learn how to Crave God and not food. I will learn that some cravings are ok. We are Made to Crave things and that is awesome!! I know that some cravings are good, I crave time with my family, I crave excercise, I crave to know God better... all those cravings are ok. I even think that my craving love is ok but I have to know that when I start looking towards the world for that love that I so desperately crave I am not going to get anything better than what I have already had. I have to look to God for that love, that unconditional, sent my son to die for you, kind of love. I can do this...
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
My favorite scripture is Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength
They will soar high on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not faint
I have not been very trusting of the Lord lately. I have not had my strength renewed because I have been looking to myself for strength. I am tired, weak and faint. After re-reading this verse I know that the reason for that is because I have not been trusting the Lord. It is crazy the timing that He has. I started my online bible study this morning with Proverbs 31 ministry (Made to Crave) and I am determined to get back to where I need to be. He saved me from the dark side once before and I was in so deep. I should not be alive today. I should not be in any of the situations I am finding myself in again because I have been saved. I have been looking for a man to save me but I have forgotten that a man DID save me. 1000 years ago on a cross. And I need to remind myself of that daily. Yes other people are where I want to be. I am no where near where I want to be. However I need to stop dwelling on that. Surely my God has a bigger plan for me. I can not imagine that He has brought me this far only to say "ok here you are, but that is it no happy ending for you". If he did bring me this far for only that... well then I should still be thankful because I deserve so much worse than what I have been given.
Ok I'll see you Thursday for the Blog Hop...