From Purposeless to Purposeful....

"The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even your happiness.  It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions.  If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God.  You were born by his purpose and for his purpose."  --- Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

Wow... one of my biggest worries is that I will not ever know what I was put on this earth for.  I have questioned and cried and prayed to find out what I am here for and I'm still searching for that answer... surely all of the pain and hurt I have been through has not been for nothing... after reading, and rereading, chapter 8 in Limitless Life by Derwin Gray I believe that one of the purposes for my life was to learn how to love unconditionally and to learn how to forgive... 

I, like most people, have always looked for my purpose in what I do.  Job wise, volunteer through church wise, that kind of thing... I've lived my life so far with the thought process of ..."If I could only ______, then I'd be happy, or then I would find my purpose..." after reading that in this chapter I realize that is me.  Guess what I'm still unhappy and still searching for my purpose... big surprise ;)

I have to start living in my purpose to find joy and according to Derwin Gray my purpose is to let God love me and then I will know my path in life... wow.  I need to let God love me... I love God but I havent really been letting God love me... wow.  

Looking back on my life I can see where this is true.  I'm not good enough for a man to love me so how in the world could I possibly be good enough for God, the creator of EVERYTHING, to love me.  Everyone I've ever loved has left me or hurt me, except for my kids, so maybe if I dont allow God to love me he can never leave me... My thinking is way screwed up yes I realize this... but that is what it is...  I've been having some real tough conversations with myself the last few weeks.  I want to be transformed into God's image... I want to have and live a limitless life... I deserve to let God love me and find my path.  I want people to look at me and see that through all of the pain and just crap that I have gone through I am still standing and shining and I want people to see God's love through me...  

From Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace.... kinda

"People are made to be loved and things are made to be used.  The confusion in this world is that people are being used and things are being loved."  - Unknown

Chapter 5 in my P31 online bible study, The Limitless Life, by Derwin Gray talks about transforming from Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace... I'm not to the trophy of grace part yet but I'm closer than I was when I started this chapter.

From the time I was very young, I have no idea what age it started, I was abused... Honestly as a child I was abused by my grandfather but I can not tell you if he was the only one.  I have no real memory before age 10.  I have spotty memories of different things... I do remember feeling like I was damaged goods from a very young age.  When I turned 15 I confused love with sex... I had sex with my boyfriend because that must mean he loved me... when I met my baby's father we had sex immediately and he moved me in with him... because he loved me.  He beat me up daily and did unspeakable things to me but afterwards when he said he loved me that made it all ok because I was lucky anyone would love me I was damaged.  This cycle just continued and in a way it still continues today... I still feel like I'm damaged goods and that affects everything that I do in my life.

The Woman at the Well... I feel like I am this woman.  I have 4 bi-racial children from 2 different fathers, countless ex boyfriends, none of which I was good enough to marry, I'm living with my current boyfriend but we are not married, I'm covered in tattoos, any time I go anywhere I feel judged.  If someone knows my past it is even worse.  I avoid people who I fear will judge me.  I avoid looking in the mirror because I know I'm going to judge myself.  I would fit right in with the motley crew Derwin Gray describes in chapter 5.  I could probably make up that motley crew by myself.... I wish that I could meet Jesus at that well.  I crave to hear Him speak to me.  Tell me why I'm here but I wont meet Him at the well... I will be more like Wanda.  I connected with her also in pretty much every way... LOL I was definitely the one the Youth Group was warned about... even the Youth Pastor and his wife HATED me and cringed when I walked in... Oh how they could have changed my path... but to them I was damaged.  I'm not blaming them either I get it but at that time I just craved being accepted and they could not accept my damaged self.... church was no longer where I wanted to be.... I even remember getting to that place that Wanda describes where Jesus is the only one who accepts her.  I was there!  I was plugged in and I STARTED FEELING LIKE A TROPHY OF HIS GRACE... then somehow I came back to the place I've known since I can remember... I'm back to being damaged goods... My life is again spiritually parched and lifeless... I need to start drinking my living water again... I know this and I crave it but I think I'm scared of it too... I'm scared of it all going away again.  I do not want to be damaged goods anymore.  I want to get back to being a trophy of HIS grace.  I want to start believing that God sees me as more than damaged goods even if no one else ever sees me as any more than that.  

One day I want people to talk about how I was once nothing, a loser, damaged goods and then I met Jesus and he unleashed His limitless life through ME, and because of ME, someone else's life was made eternally better.

From Orphan to Adopted....

I blogged yesterday about how I was down the last week or so... so I was coming on here to do my blog hop for the week and something told me that first I need to do my post for last week.... I can not link this one since I am a week behind but I felt the need to share this one... I will link up the next one for this week....

"We roam through life lost, looking for a love and identity that no human, no job, no amount of money could ever provide.  Our Papa in heaven is the only One who can provide us with the love and, ultimately, the identity we have been created for - a child of God."

Holy crap whoever wrote that has been in my head... I've said before that I am not made for this world.  I get that, I know that, but it doesn't stop me from longing for things that I know I will not find here... So I was reading the Limitless Life by Derwin Gray for my Proverbs 31 online bible study and in chapter 4 he talks about going from Orphan to Adopted... I'm not an orphan, my mom is still alive, but I do have "Daddy issues" and in that chapter he talks about when we allow daddy wounds to limit our lives, we become anonymous people.  Boy do I feel anonymous... When we are not connected to God our FATHER, we do not know who we are - we feel orphaned - and lose the capacity to discover our uniqueness.  I did not always feel anonymous... I remember when I felt alive, I felt like I was beginning to discover exactly why God wanted me here... I've always struggled with what in the world He wanted to use me for.  But at one point when I was plugged in and reading my bible I felt like I was so close to getting answers and then I just plummeted... that is the best way I know how to put it... I have overcome a lot, I have overcome being abused daily, I have overcome being a drug addict, I have overcome sexual abuse when I was a child, but for all of those things I have overcome there is so much more I have not even touched.... when I say I plummeted I did not get back into drugs I want to make that very clear.  I have been in a very deep depression for well over a year, I have not overcome that.  I have not overcome being out of a church family where I was involved.  I have not overcome feeling helpless and hopeless, or feeling unworthy... I am back to a darkness where I am asking again, "God WHY AM I HERE"  what in the world could you possibly want me to do for You?  How can I find the answers now that I am so far away from Him... How do I get the Jesus loves me message to play continuously and stop replaying my past... In this chapter Derwin Gray says that Orphans Feel Abandoned... I feel that way.  My father abandoned me... I blame myself for that... I was a bad kid, he didn't want to see that so he started working as a private contractor over seas in war torn countries... I'll never forget the time he came home from Bosnia and met me for lunch.. at that time I was living with my oldest kids father and I was newly pregnant with my first baby.  When I met my dad for lunch that day I had a face covered in bruises and a black eye that you could not ignore.  But my dad ignored it.  We had lunch and he left me at the train station to go back to my baby's father.  I knew it was my fault for being so horrible... but I felt abandoned.  After my dad was killed in Irag about 8 years later my brother told me in the heat of a family argument that my dad never loved me... I still think about that all these years and I still feel abandoned.  But now when I feel abandoned I feel like my dad abandoned my whole family and I feel like that is my fault.  I feel like an orphan.

In this chapter he also gives us the keys to embracing a new label "Adopted"... I think that key 2 is the hardest for me... Key 2: Accept and Imitate the Forgiveness of God... that is actually pretty easy for me to forgive others.  My kids fathers, I have forgiven them for the hurts that they have done to me and to my babies, my grandfather I have forgiven for the abuse, my brother I have forgiven for the hurtful words to me and my kids, my other brother I have forgiven for leaving us way to early... I have a problem forgiving myself... I don't know how to forgive myself... I do not know how to forgive myself for leaving my babies, I have not forgiven myself for causing my mom so much pain, I do not know how to forgive myself for causing my brothers to hate me and for not being the one that was taken from my parents instead of my brother, I do not know how to forgive myself for causing my dad to want to be away from us and ultimately causing him to be killed in Iraq, I do not know how to forgive myself for feeling like we abandoned my daddy in Iraq, I do not know how to forgive myself for continuing on this downward spiral...

I want to learn to forgive myself because I am stuck in this cycle of thinking how can God forgive me and now after reading this chapter I know God is thinking, How can I NOT forgive a person like you?  You are exactly who I sent MY precious Son to die for... I am still stuck in the prison cell because I cant forgive myself but I don't know how to forgive me...

Feeling very raw

Some days I just feel very raw... very open but not the I'm an open book way, more like someone has pulled a scab off of a very fresh wound and it is now open... I suffer from anxiety in the worst way in case you hadn't figured that much out already... Anyways this last week I have felt very raw.  I'm still not in a church home.  I still am in the process of moving from my mom's house and that is an emotional roller coaster in and of itself.  I am unhappy with my job.  Everything just seemed to pull off the scab a little more each day.  I'm still here and I'm still doing the Limitless Life study I just did not have the energy to blog last week... So I just want whoever is out there reading to know I'm still here I'm just having a week where I am not up to being.  This week is a little better.  I'm still not happy with the position I'm in at work, I work customer service and I have done this since I was 18 at all kinds of different companies, I LOVE the company I work for but I would like to do something more than answer the phone... I'm loving the feeling I have of having my own place even though I have a boyfriend and a roommate just knowing that me and my girls have our own is a huge thing for me... and the roommate is very temporary... me and my mom are at least speaking now... I'm still riding the roller coaster of emotions and I can not promise what tomorrow or even this afternoon is going to do to me but right now I'm OK.

Wow...

My friend posted on her blog yesterday and it hit me like a ton of bricks... she said EXACTLY what was in my head and on my heart... she expressed my feelings for me in a way that I didnt even know that is what I wanted to say...

What do you think you know about me when you look at me like that?
Can you tell how tired I really am? And that I'm tired mentally, emotionally and spiritually, so my body now hurts from the inside out?
Can you see the stains from where people have touched me without my consent?
Can you see me flinch when you go to touch me? Not all touches are good and my body remembers them well.
Do you know where some of the scars actually came from?
Would you believe me if I told you?
And what does that make me?
Am I damaged goods?
Can you see that I am angry because I am scared? I don't know if I can trust you or even myself at this point.
I'm so tired.
What do you want from me? I don't have a lot to give.
Would you understand or pity me if you knew all of this about me? I don't need or want your pity. I'm doing okay and getting better every day.
If I sleep, will I wake up? Do I even want to?
Please don't touch my shell. It's very fragile and will break if you're not careful.
Why do you even care?
Am I worth the trouble?
Would you walk away because I'm too much to handle?

How she knew what my heart was feeling is beyond me but thank you for reading my heart and allowing me to express what it needed to say... check her out she is wise beyond her years!

My Story...

When I was 16 I ran away from home... I did not run away from the best home environment but I ran away from a home where I was loved.  I had been getting in trouble for a while.. I got in with a gang when I started high school.  I thought I was the baddest girl and honestly in my school where I was from I probably was one of the baddest... When I was 17 I met my first 2 kids father... I moved in with him and found out pretty quickly I was not as bad as I thought I was.  He was much badder.  He beat me daily.... hit me with bottles, gave me concussions, broke my jaw twice, gave me black eyes so bad they were swollen shut.  The reasons varied... I always did something wrong.  No one ever told me to come home so I didn't... I had two children with him... luckily I was smart enough to not want them in that environment and sent them to live with my mom and dad... I went home for a little while but he always found me and convinced me to go back... at that time he was my addiction.  He was my addiction for 6 years.  I still have problems from the beatings... my jaw clicks sometimes, I have debilitating migraines, I have memory problems, I have nightmares... I got free from that addiction when he went to prison for drugs.  That is when I met my 2nd baby's father.  The abuse was the same... he also cheated on me.  So did the first one but he at least tried to hide it... not the second one he just cheated.  When I caught him he got mad at me and hurt me.  He was my addiction.  I could not bring myself to leave him... I wanted to be good enough for him.  He made sure I knew that I wasn't.  He introduced me to cocaine.  It helped me escape from all of the pain... That was my new addiction... but I was still addicted to him.  My baby brother was killed in a car accident.  That crippled me.  I wanted to trade places with him.  I still do.  When I found my baby's father cheating on me again I freed myself from him.  I was still addicted to the cocaine... That helped me escape all of the pain.  My daddy went back to work for a private contracting firm.  He worked in Iraq.  My kids went to stay with my mom... I kept telling myself it was because she was so upset about my brother and they would help her feel better... honestly it is because I was not the mom that they needed me to be at that time... I felt like a failure... I still do.  I've never told anyone that before. 3 years later my mom called me in the middle of the night.  My daddy was killed by a car bomb in Iraq.  My daddy who I struggled my whole life to please.  My daddy who did not like me and I still questioned whether he loved me.  My daddy who met me for dinner on one of his leaves and saw me with my eye swollen shut and bruises up my face and said nothing about it... I would never had the opportunity to apologize for failing in his eyes... I would never be able to apologize that he lost his precious son instead of his pathetic daughter... My addiction to cocaine grew and now it was cocaine and pills.  I should not be alive with the amount I was putting in my body on a daily basis.  I maintained a job... I was doing drugs in the bathroom every 30 min but I kept the job... finally I was ready to be free of the drug addiction.  I was tired of being away from my kids and I knew that being away from my kids was one of the biggest pains I was trying to cover up with the drugs.  I packed up and moved home with my mom and kids.  I got myself clean.  I freed myself from that addiction.  I found church again and that became an addiction.  That addiction grew until the church broke up.  Now I find myself free from the addiction of drugs, from the addiction of abuse... but I'm still an addict.  I am not free yet.  I still have the addiction of pleasing people.  I still have the addiction of the labels I have put on myself.  I have the addiction of needing to prove my worth and myself to others.  I am addicted to being the best I can at work.  I have the addicts mind set still.  I need to free myself from that.  I am an ongoing story... truthfully this story is just an outline.  My story is so much deeper than this blog post... I just feel like my story is too long to post in one sitting... I think I will work on it for future posts because I do think I need to free myself of the story.  I've kept alot of this story inside me because it is painful to admit but maybe if I admit it I can finally be free of the addiction of my past... Today that is my addiction and I hope that at the end of this bible study I can say I'm FREE of that too...

Ready Set Go... or not

What a weekend.  I have been having so many emotions and feelings lately.  I know that I am NOT where I want to be or need to be in life but I am working on that.  This weekend I realized how disapointing I have been to my mom.  I hate that realization.  She was so proud of me at one time.  Then slowly I started to slip backwards.  The worst part is she blames my boyfriend and that is not fair.  I stopped going to church.  I stopped doing what I was supposed to do money wise.  I started going crazy a little bit.  I had a mini break down.  But because some of these things started when she met him she blames him....  Yes that makes for a super depressing weekend.  I am on my way to getting back on track though.  I am getting my own apartment for me and my girls.  I am getting caught up as quickly as I can on my bills. I am starting church again.  This online bible study is going to be a big help I think.  Let's see how it goes!

Community

So I have decided to take on another online bible study with Proverbs 31 ministries... I LOVE this website and the online bible studies that they do... and this one seemed perfect for me where I am right now!  It is called Limitless Life and the reason that I decided to do this one is because right on the cover of the book it says, "You Are More Than Your Past When God Holds Your Future"... 


Needless to say I'm more than ready to start this one.  So today I received an email talking about the normal blog hop that they do with these bible studies and talking about community.  Just the other day I was talking about home and church and when they said in the email that this online bible study is like our own little community I started thinking about how church is like my own little community.  When I was involved and everyone was together it was a big community.  Then I left the community and then I came back and the community had changed.  How normal is that though... I mean you grow up in one community and when you go away to college, or move away from home, or just go away for the summer more often than not when you come back some aspect of that community has changed.  Not all changes are big or even bad but change is inevitable... I went back to church last Sunday.  I went to the small church, they meet right next door to the building I grew up going to... it was weird to walk into that building instead of the one I was so familiar with... but when I walked in the love I felt was still the same.  The welcoming was familiar.  I felt at HOME... I did not visit the other church yet... I'm not sure why but I want to go back to the small church on Sunday again and I think I will continue to go... I would like to get involved again if that is possible. I would like to find my place in the new, smaller community.  As for this online bible study I also hope to find my place... I realize that this community is much bigger and wider and spans places I've never seen but I would like to think I can find a place to fit in there too... to me community means that you fit together and you interact... I need interaction even if just through a blog post :)  I guess that is all for now... If you are reading this and have not heard of Proverbs31.org or done any of their bible studies I encourage you to check them out... 

Feelings just keep coming out of me

I'm feeling very depressed lately, and alone, and scared... I'm not alone and I'm not sure why I feel that way... I'm hurting everyone around me... myself included honestly.  I just do not know how to get up this time.  I dont have anyone I can really turn to and say HELP ME... I just keep getting up every day and going through the motions of the day but some days, like today, it all seems like too much.  I would be much better at home, in the dark, in my bed.  I know my posts are making people sad and I'm sorry.  If you stop reading I totally understand.  But this is the only release I have for all of the feelings I have... I know I am not alone.  I have a boyfriend...  but I am not sure that it is going anywhere... I have my kids... but there is still this loneliness that I can not shake.  I'm in over my head.  I am so far in debt because I try to buy things thinking it will make me feel better... nope still feel awful and actually feel worse because then I think about how far in debt I am... I am trying to save money to move me and my girls into an apartment and prove to everyone, myself included, that I can do it... but I can barely put one foot in front of the other forget having a smile on my face!... 
Life is a messy thing... my life I have messed up and I'm not sure if I can fix it

Finding my place...

Church... ever since I was a little girl I have gone to church when I was a kid it was every Sunday morning, every Sunday night and every Wednesday night.  I LOVED it.  If we did not go for some reason I was beyond upset!  As I got older and got into some not church approved behaviors my attendance fell off... alot.  But I still went off and on.  Then about 3 or 4 years ago I decided I was tired of the life I was living and I wanted to go HOME.  Even after all those years I considered church HOME.  Now growing up we went to Church of Christ.  Most of my childhood was spent at one church that I loved and then things happened that I as a child did not understand and we moved to a different church.  I grew to love that church also and 3-4 years ago when I made the decision to go HOME that is the church that I knew I would go to.  I knew before going back that they had changed from a Church of Christ to a basically non denominational church and I was ok with that.  I still do not fully grasp what all of that means but I knew that when I walked in I was HOME.  The love and support I received was exactly what I needed.  I was accepted just as I am, tattoos, single mom, bad past, all of that I was still LOVED.  I got very involved and I was again there as often as they were open.  Then my world fell apart. First of all I moved away from my support system, the church, and fell into a very deep depression.  But then when I went HOME I found that HOME was not there anymore... The church had fallen apart.  MY church.  I honestly did not know what to do.  I dont think anyone can understand that for me this church was my rock.  My everything.  I felt at that moment that I was being punished for leaving... I think sometimes I still feel this way... Since that happened I have struggled to find a new church with no luck... I do not feel comfortable or accepted at most of the ones I have gone to... My old church has kind of divided into two separate churches and I dont know which one I belong to... I have decided that I am going to go to the new building this Sunday and see if I am one still welcome and loved and two see if I still feel like it is HOME... I miss HOME and the LOVE I had there.

Writing from the depths of my hell...

Sometimes I wonder if God has given up on me... yes I know that God never gives up He is always waiting for us to come find Him and He is just waiting with open arms... But really??? I mean that is what I have always been taught, that is what I grew up to believe... Yet nothing inside of me believes that I am worthy of that kind of love and forgiveness... What a life I have lead to have me thinking like this... The things I have gone through and endured only to put myself right back in that place over and over again.  I'm still on my journey to be beautiful inside and out... I'm back on track in a way... I'm still falling daily in other ways... but I am working on that.  This post is more of a confession for me rather than a blog post... I need to be honest with myself.  I'm not happy.  I feel like a failure daily.  I know that it is going to take alot to pull me up from whatever depth I've let myself fall to this time... but I know that I will do it.  I will succeed.  I have no choice.  So I am going to make a conscious effort (again) to write as often as possible.  I am going to stop letting the fact that I'm sometimes writing from the depths of hell stop me.  That is my reality right now.  I do see that light again... it is faded and the clouds block it out sometimes but it is there... I can see it and it IS getting brighter

Emotional Triggers....

What a topic... someone at Proverbs 31 seems to know me and how much I've been struggling... or maybe it is that coincidence thing... LOL 

I saw a quote the other day on either Facebook or Instagram and I liked it because it resonated with me.  Audrey Hepburn said, "I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."  Wow.  That is me completely.  My whole life it seems revolves around my need for someone to give me affection and my need to show someone else that affection back ten times more... it is a longing.... God created that in me but I failed the plan and purpose for it because I failed to understand that I was craving affection from Him.  I was numbing my longing with temporary physical pleasures that never EVER filled my need.  I have actually been depriving myself... How fitting that I would decide to get caught up after a breakdown and THIS is what I am reading.  I love how I see myself in all of this.  

Page 130 in the Made to Crave book talks about different situations that make you feel hurt and rejected.  Lysa talks about a crack in her resolve was caused by the extreme rejection of her biological father.  My father rejected me in a way... As a teenager I veered into some dark and stupid things.  My dad never was able to forgive me or understand that.  He went to work overseas.  According to my brother he HATED me... I cant ask him now because he died while working in Iraq.  I like to think that before he died my daddy saw how much I had changed and had forgiven me.  I hurt and long for that forgiveness.  That is a little crack that goes deep down to my core.  That is one of my biggest emotional triggers.  I feel like it is my fault that we as a family struggle now. My dad isnt here.  It is my fault my kids do not have their papaw... Emotional triggers that always lead me down the path that he would not be proud of me for going back to... I need to learn to not self-medicate with treats but rather to learn how to feed myself spiritually.  Next time I'm feeling one of the situations that make me feel hurt and rejected I need to ask God to be my daily portion.

Lamentations 3:22-24 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

What an amazing verse to keep close and remember...  I will overcome these triggers... I will fill in the cracks of my soul with God's love because really and truly nothing else will ever truly satisfy.  Even if I fall in love and someone loves me back ten fold that is all only second to God's love.  Nothing else is unfailing and absolute.

Insecurities and such...

Well this is my post for my Made to Crave bible study for week 3... yes I do know I am behind and I am hoping to get caught up tonight.  So chapter 7 talks about insecurities... looking back over the last few weeks I am starting to realize more and more that when I do not measure up in some type of way, and probably all in my head, I tend to go into withdrawal mode.. Something small and insignificant to someone else can send me into a complete withdrawal.  I absolutely have a flawed perception of myself.  I have always gotten my sense of identity and self worth from the wrong things.  These are things that I am very aware of, but still, let that one tiny, little, insignificant little thing send me into a direct tail spin...

I do believe that I need to pick up my bible.  I need to have verses that whisper in my ear when I'm starting to feel insignificant... Even if I cant remember them at the moment... just a whisper in my ear telling me which direction to go when I pick up my bible would be nice... I'm learning, the hard way of course, that it is vital to my success to fill my mind with God's words.  I'm also learning the hard way that this is about so much more than just food for me.... yes food is a major aspect of it.  I'm giving up soda, white flours, and fast food... but more than that is the withdrawing and the breakdown of everything good inside of me... maybe one day I will have it all together... maybe I wont but I do hope that I will be one step closer by hearing the whisper of the spirit telling me where to turn when I open up my bible...

God will never give You something that was intended for someone else....

Got to love when you are in the midst of learning an already hard lesson and someone decides that maybe you also need to realize a couple of other things... Well I can thank Mr. Tyrese Gibson himself for that.  First of all I am a total fan and one of my very good friends from work showed me this video... Well smack me in the face and step all over my toes... So he was talking about praying and how God wants us to pray specific prayers.  He also said that "Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous."  That is such a powerful statement and a really cool way to look at that.... I was definitely interested in the video now...well then he says that "God will never give you something that was intended for someone else... you may have prayed for it, even claimed it, but it's not yours.  God loves you enough to not give you something that was not meant for you." UGH thanks alot Tyrese.... Ok so in the next couple of days I am planning on catching up with my Made to Crave bible study... Which means blogging ALOT!! Sorry in advance :)

I"m back...

Yes I had to take a little break... read breakdown... but I"m back.  Sometimes you have a set back and you feel like your world has ended but you are going to push through and that is what I had earlier this year in January... but then the devil comes back and say's you are not going to push through at all... and then you completely fall apart.  Yea well that is exactly how my February has been.  Here I was pushing along at the end of January/beginning of February just going thinking my little breakdown was done and then **** BAM**** nope it was like a force hit me and all of a sudden I was the old Micaela... I was the Micaela who didnt care, who did what she wanted when she wanted... how did I become her again... I forgot everything good.  The worst part of it was I knew that I should not be acting this way.  I kept telling myself to stop it... but nope I didnt stop.  I think that part of it was after me posting about Cherish and how much I missed her I found out she blocked me from Facebook.  Why.  What did I do wrong.  Well I never got an answer and honestly right now I do not care.  It is her issue not mine and I can not make it mine.  Well I can but duh that is kind of what got me into this dark freaking hole I'm in now.... anyways so here is what happened... guy at work was interested in me... did I ever mention I have this crazy need to love and be loved... yea well anyways he was interested.  He was totally my old type, gangster to the core, but he had a job, he worked where I work so that is a step up right... plus as long as I had said no to him we were just friends, he kept on saying all of the right things... he was changed, he wanted a girl that was good, he wanted to fall in love and have something that was forever... blah blah blah... so I ended up giving in... right around the same time as that other chick was getting engaged... coincidence?  Nope probably not... anyways I fell hard.  And slowly all of my old ways started coming back out of the woodwork... my musical tastes were going backwards, how do I know every word to every rap album that was too hard core to be played on the radio... Scarface anyone... my mouth was working overtime... now I have never quite managed to stop the curse words from spewing from my mouth but I had calmed down alot but not now... and my absolute favorite was the behaviors I have all of a sudden been willing to put up with.... Wow how desperate am I for someone to say that they love me.  Oh and best of all he never even said I love you... I'm not sure why it always takes a complete self control breakdown for me to realize what is wrong with me... Also why is it that when I have a minor set back I completely revert back to all of my old ways... ugh I hate questions I do not want to face answers too... but I am facing them.  This week I plan on catching up with everything.  I also plan on getting my self-control back on track... will it be easy NOPE but it will be oh so worth it.  If you are still here and reading this thing... well Thank You 

So excited today

So today I get to order my new excercise/eating plan.  It is called The 21 Day Fix it is by BeachBody and I am extremely excited!! Before my plan was just eat right and go to the gym... well that has not been working so well for me.  I am an OK eater, meaning that I do not eat horribly but at the same time I have a weakness and that is fast food.  Not because I like it because I really do not like it but because during the week when I am at work it is just easier.  I also had been really good about going to the gym in the mornings before work.  Well then it got cold and my car has no heater and no defroster... so yea getting up at 5 am and hitting the gym has kind of gone out the window... So this is going to HOPEFULLY help with that since this is working out at home... now I'm not a complete idiot I know that I still have to put some effort into this... I know that if I can do it for 21 days it becomes more of a habit so I'm excited.  This is my birthday present from my mom and my kids... We will see.  I am cutting this short cause I have to catch up on my made to crave study today... Pretty much just was lazy alllll weekend :)

1 PETER 5:7-8a...

1 Peter 5:7-8a " Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."

Wow... well apparently the devil has had his fun devouring me lately.  If you have read any of my past entries you know how I have let my anxiety take over me completely.  This verse waited to speak to me until today because well apparently God likes to punch me in the gut exactly when I need it... I have to learn how to cast all my anxiety on Him and for me I have to also learn how to leave it there.  He does not need my help with it once I have given it to Him.  

He cares for me... wow what a statement.  Oftentimes I sit and wonder what it would be like for someone to genuinely care for me.  Unfortunately what I often fail to realize is that someone does care for me.  He still cares for me even when I reject Him, even when I fail to realize that He is all I need, even when He wipes away my tears.  He loves me.  He cares for me.  

Be alert and of sober mind... obviously I need to work on this one, who am I kidding I need to work on most everything, but being alert for me means knowing when I am having my self-doubt, my insecurities, my feelings of not being good enough, those are all the devil trying to devour me... and I have been letting him.  I have to remember that I am in control of my feelings. 

In chapter 5 of my Made to Crave study this week I read this: I WAS MADE FOR MORE and that hit me a little bit.  I also read that any temptation is still temptation.  Whether that means drugs, alcohol, sex, or the bowl of chips and dip, TEMPTATION IS STILL TEMPTATION.  So when I give in to temptation, no matter how big or small it may seem to me, I am letting the devil devour me.  Instead I should give my anxiety, the temptation, to Him.  Why, because He cares for me... 

I have to remember that I am NOT:
 THE BAD GIRL
 THE DRUG USER
 THE GIRL WHO EVERYONE HATES
 THE BAD MOTHER
 THE ONE THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE

I have to remember that I AM:
 MICAELA THE FORGIVEN CHILD OF GOD
 MICAELA THE SET FREE CHILD OF GOD
 MICAELA THE LOVED CHILD OF GOD...

I have been through some horrible things in my life because I gave into temptations and because I allowed the devil to devour me I have lived my life with anxiety about those things, those temptations I have given into have always been right at the edge of the yard waiting to come in and say "you were never strong enough to say no..."  But now I know that I can cast my anxiety about those temptations on Him, because He cares for me, and with that knowledge I am strong enough to say "yes I am"

I AM MADE FOR MORE THAN EXCUSES AND VICIOUS CYCLES

Trying to get stronger...

Well last night sucked.... but I woke up again this morning.  I'm breathing.  I'm healthy. I'm thankful for the job that I have even though it is a dead end job at least I have one.  I'm thankful for my beautiful babies even though they drive me insane especially as they are all in the pre-teen/teen years.  I'm thankful for a place to live even though it is not my own place... I do have things I am thankful for even though sometimes it does not seem like it... I am thankful for the knowledge that I can do all of this on my own even though deep down I do not want to continue doing it on my own... I realize that everything good happens in God's timing.  I get that I really do.  But just this once before I lose all my hope I do wish that He would find a way to show me that there is something coming.  Something better than I could have ever imagined... 

Last night I read chapter 4 of Made to Crave for my online bible study... one of the questions that was asked at the end was "When a friend experiences success with healthy food choices and losing weight, do you feel encouraged and inspired by this or do you feel discouraged and envious? Do you communicate your feelings to your friend or do you keep them to yourself?"  I know the answer to that and by now I'm beyond sure that all of you know the answer also.  LOL of course I get discouraged and envious, but I obviously feel that way in all areas of my life... not just with my food and weight... but with job promotions, love lives, personal things that do not even pertain to me... you name it.  What a horrible way I am living.  The problem is I do not know, yet, how to change it... I will learn this.  That is part of becoming beautiful on my inside... there is no room for envy.  I have to let go... Ahhhh it is only January, the end of it though, and I see that I still have an amazingly long way to go..... I CAN AND I WILL DO THIS... I will win.  I will be beautiful...

So sad

Ugh... not a great night. I'm trying so hard not to slip back into this darkness. .. I totally feel it pulling me. Telling me that I'm not good enough, no one is going to want me, I'm fat, I'm old, I have four kids... I live with my mom... ugh so many thoughts like that. I was supposed to go to small group tonight but before I left work my whole positive attitude left. All because of a valentines day conversation.  First of all for someone like me the holidays suck. I'm single and that is the time for engagements and all that stuff then you have valentines day which is horrible for me and right after that you have my birthday.  I won't even get into March yet. Anyways I'm not saying at all that all single people hate the holidays or valentines but for ME they are extremely hard. Anyways so at work people are married or in a relationship and they were talking about the big plans they had. I am just sitting there... one more year I'm completely alone. Like when does this end. When do I get a happily ever after. I don't need someone in my life I've gone two years almost 3 alone... but it would be nice to have a bad day and no that no matter what I have someone at home that will have my back... someone to hold me when I'm down... but I don't have that. Again. I don't know what plans God has for me but it would be great to be able to see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel... sorry for the extra post but I needed to write

Random Thoughts

I came across the following saying in a book, I believe it was The Purpose Driven Life, and for some reason today it keeps jumping out in my thoughts... 

"You only exist because God wills that you exist.  You were made by God and for God - And until you understand that, life will never make sense."

That is such a great statement for me right now.  It speaks directly to where I am right now and it also speaks volumes about where I want to be... I put this phrase up on my wall at work so that I can see it.  I know seeing it and believing it are soooooo different but hey baby steps people... :)

Tonight I'm going to my first small group at church.  I'm hoping and praying that it is not a bunch of 18-25 year olds and that there are some people close to my age... I signed up for a singles one though so that can go either way.  I am going with a good friend from work and she is 20 LOL so if nothing else at least she can get plugged in.  I am also going to the Celebrate Recovery on Thursday night.  I'm still excited about that because I have come to the realization that some of the things I have been through in my past I have never actually dealt with.  I have just pushed them so far down inside of me that I thought they were gone... Then they decide to jump up and down and say hey remember me I'''''mmmmmm baaaaacccckkk.  So I'm ready to start dealing with them but obviously I can not do it on my own.  Some days I do not even want to get out of bed.  Truth be told yesterday I didnt get out of bed.  I called in sick.  I stayed home and cried.  So I'm hoping that I can learn to recover from some of the traumatic experiences of my past... I think part of my problem has always been that I recognize that I put myself in the places I did so I have to take responsibility that most of my traumatic experiences were consequences of my own choices and actions so I dont think that I have ever felt like I deserved to get over them or deal with them.  Now I realize that if I truly want to get away from them and move past them without ever going back I HAVE to deal with them.  I have to forgive myself for that time of my life... now I'm ready to do that but I need help.  So that is what I'm hoping to get out of Celebrate Recovery... I've never really been though so I'm not sure that is what it is for... I guess maybe that is where the nervousness comes in... I think that God is leading me there though... I feel like He is the one telling me it is time... Time to start listening and it is time to start living my life for God.  I kinda wish He would be a little louder though at least until I get it all figured out and I know when it is Him talking and not just me talking to myself...

Monday after a weekend of the blues...

Ok so this weekend was both hard and also eye opening... First of all I need to open up a little bit about my ex sister in law I talked about a few posts back.  Cherish and me met when she first began dating my brother about 10 or 11 years ago... Forever ago LOL I didn't get to know her very much at first... honestly it wasn't until her and my brother divorced then got back together that me and her became kind of close... She was the sister that I never had but always wanted.  She was/is beautiful, she has more patience then I have ever dreamed of having, she is smart, kind, and just beautiful.  Do not get me wrong she has not had an easy life, she has done her fair share of sinning... LOL I'm not saying that any of that should be forgotten and yes I am helping to raise her daughter, however, forgiveness is an amazing thing.  It is two fold. It should be given and it should be received.  About a year and a half ago Cherish got clean and sober and she found God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  Yep she found all three... here I was just casually being a "sometime sinner"... meaning I was going to church, I was telling myself that I was doing the "right" things most of the time so I was good.  Unfortunately I was telling myself exactly what I wanted to hear and that is all I was doing.  Cherish on the other hand... well she was finding all of the happiness and fullness I was still searching for... she was finding it because somehow she knew that the only place to find all of that was through Christ.  She GOT IT.  I slowly pulled away from her.  Not because I didn't want what she had but because I wasn't getting IT.  I didn't realize that I was doing things all wrong.  That never hit me until last week.  November we met Cherish's boyfriend.  He is a great Christian man who LOVES her with everything inside of him.  I am going on 2 years single.. Cant even get someone to look at me a second time... Slowly the jealousy started creeping in... December Justin asked Cherish to marry him... talk about a blow to my head.  See in my head I had been doing so "good" for so long... not really but in MY head I had been.  Do not get me wrong I wasn't doing anything necessarily BAD but I was just going through the "good" motions.  Cherish was DOING. Cherish was living and breathing for Christ.  I was living and breathing for me but thinking about Christ on the side.  So on Christmas day I exploded on the inside.  I was done with her.  I wanted nothing to do with her.  It was her fault that she was happy and I was not, right... Oh yea the answer is a big fat NO.  Basically I withdrew from everyone and everything.  Luckily I woke up with the Made 2 Crave bible study.  I knew all along that I needed to make changes.  Finally I decided to do something about the changes I needed to make.  I am going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting at my church on Thursday.  Not because I'm a drug addict or anything like that but because I need more help than I can give myself on over coming some of my past issues.  So I've asked Cherish to go with me.  I plan on apologizing for being so horrible to her... She knows my past and she knows my issues and she is going to be forgiving because that is just her spirit.  Honestly I love her like she is still my sister and I always will.  I have learned though that I want to be like her.  I want to have the spirit that she has.  I am going to ask her to teach me to be as Christ-like as she is.  I want to be as beautiful on the inside as she is.  

Thats all I have today... I just wanted to get it all out.  So now that you kind of know the back story my weekend sucked.  I cried for the things I do not have and then I got up and went to church.  I got fed.  I also figured out what I want.  I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore.  I am going to wake up every morning and I'm going to thank God for what I do have.  I know that God will use me but first I have to be able to handle my present situation.  If I can not handle the present situation how can I expect Him to give me more... so that is what I'm going to work on... I'm going to work on handling the present situation.  #Determined... funny that is what the word of the week is in my M2C bible study this week.  Should be an interesting blog hop ;)  See you guys later... I'll try to be shorter

What a wild ride...

So I have a hard time trusting people... anyone that knows me, the real back story, no holds barred, me would say that I have good reasons not to trust people.  But I need, no I want to learn how to trust God.  Not just say "Oh I trust God will do this or that" but like seriously no questions asked just complete and full TRUST.  I know people that have this trust with Him but no matter how hard I try to achieve it or how much I say I trust him there is always this little twinge of doubt... maybe not at first, but eventually it finds it's way in my heart... I hate that doubt.  How do I get past that little bit of doubt... How do I just blindly say "Ok God take it away, I trust You."  Hmmmm that is definitely something I need to work on learning to do this year.  

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Love this verse!! Now how can I implement this in MY life... I hate leaning on my own understanding cause it never works.  Another favorite verse of mine is Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  

I am trying really hard to believe that.  I do not want to think that I have missed out on the plans that the Lord has, or had, for me... One of my hardest "cravings" is the craving I have for love.  I had big plans for my life when I was younger.  I was going to be married with a house full of kids.  I was going to live in the country surrounded by dogs, pigs, goats, kids, and chickens... As each birthday comes around I cry a little more for dreams that do not seem as if they are ever going to happen.  I have the house full of kids but I was never good enough to LOVE enough to marry.  Now dont get me wrong the two guys that I chose to have children with are not anywhere close to what I need, want, or deserve.  They beat me black and blue, cheated on me, did NOT love me, and do not take care of the children they helped create.  So I'm not upset that I did not marry one of them, however as each year comes and goes and I do not seem to be good enough for anyone else I mourn the plans I had for my life... I wonder if God has forgotten about me.  I wonder if I screwed up my life for so long, did I possibly screw up God's plans for me... did I miss out on what He had planned for my life... I love my children more than life itself, but they are getting older.  My son is 16 and my youngest "baby" is 11, soon they will be on with their lives and then I will be alone. So as my birthday is coming up in a month I am starting to mourn again... another year older.  Another year of not having my dreams come true... So my goal this year is to learn how to TRUST Him.  Complete and total trust that my God still has some plan for me and my life... This will be the year I learn to stop mourning and start TRUSTING.  One last verse that I want to share is this...

Isaiah 40:31  But those who trust in The Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint

#Empowered...

em·pow·er  (m-pour)

tr.v. em·pow·ered, em·pow·er·ing, em·pow·ers

1. To invest with power, especially legal power or official authority. See Synonyms at authorize.

2. To equip or supply with an ability; enable: "Computers ... empower students to become intellectual explorers"(Edward B. Fiske).

What a word.  That little word means such BIG things... for me anyways.  Maybe it is because I have never used the word.  I have EMPOWERED plenty of people in my life but I have not ever EMPOWERED myself... How sad is that!  Well that is going to change this year... I am tired of giving other people and things power over me and my happiness... The whole point of me trying to get beautiful means I have to take responsibility and part of taking responsibility is owning the fact that I have been EMPOWERING other people and things.  

I went to church last night for the first time since the beginning of November.  I felt nervous.  I also felt like the message was just for me... funny how that works huh... at one point the pastor said he wanted to pray for people that had no idea what gift God had given them.  Well that was me so when he asked the people that felt like that to raise their hands so I did... I prayed the prayer and I meant it.  What on earth did God put me here for... I've done so much and seen so much in my life... I have had four children, I have lived through some abuse that I would wish on no one, I have done so many drugs in one night that most people would not wake up the next morning... sorry but that is honesty... I have almost died two separate times, but I am still here... Why.  
What am I missing.. so last night I prayed, and prayed.  After the pastor was done praying for us he started a prayer for the people that knew what God had put them here for but did not know how to get started.  I prayed for them too and then the pastor stopped.  He said that he had this feeling that someone, maybe more than one person, was feeling like Satan stole something from them.  I froze. I knew he meant me... he was looking towards where I was sitting. I raised my hand, and so did a few others, and people came and prayed over us and I felt #EMPOWERED.  Because I was able to admit that I felt like Satan stole my spirit.  He took my life again and I had empowered Him to do that.  But last night standing in Freedom Life Church I took that power back.  I #EMPOWERED myself.  I still do not know what God wants me to do or what gift I am not seeing that He gave me, but I know that as I take this year and work on myself, inside and out, I will learn what it is.  I will learn how to Crave God and not food.  I will learn that some cravings are ok. We are Made to Crave things and that is awesome!! I know that some cravings are good, I crave time with my family, I crave excercise, I crave to know God better... all those cravings are ok.  I even think that my craving love is ok but I have to know that when I start looking towards the world for that love that I so desperately crave I am not going to get anything better than what I have already had.  I have to look to God for that love, that unconditional, sent my son to die for you, kind of love.  I can do this...

Feelings...

Well I apparently am going to have to deal with lots of feelings during this journey to becoming beautiful... I am not one who deals with feelings well... I like to push them down somewhere deep inside of me and pretend that they are not there or that they do not exist... However I do see how that is hurtful and not helpful to becoming beautiful on the inside.  So I am dealing with these feelings... the first being the feeling of not being good enough.  Why do I not feel like I am good enough for the best.  Well because of my past, being told that I was not good enough, being treated like I was not good enough... all of the above LOL.  I am dealing with it though and I will change my thinking.  I also have gotten so far away from God in just a few short months I have left all of the good things I was doing on the floor right where I dropped them.  For what... well because I was hurt.  Why am I not finding love, or better yet why is love not finding me.  Why am I still not successful... why am I not happy.  Well I have been upset and bitter for the last few months... the month of December was EXTREMELY hard since my ex sister in law became engaged.  Oh I was really mad then... How dare God give her the happiness I am so desperately searching for....  Why her God???? I am raising HER daughter because she was so strung out on drugs for YEARS.  She has only been doing good for 1 YEAR and I have been doing good for so many.  But wait... was I really doing all that good? Well that was a hard answer to admit... Obviously the answer is no.  I mean yes I was going to church, well until November when things stopped going my way... yes I was not doing SOME of the old habits... until I had my #icantbelievethingsarenotgoingmywayyet breakdown... So I had to make a decision.  This year I can continue to do all of the things "right" and I'm talking about the way I want them to be right... or I can start 2014 off the God way and actually BE HAPPY.  So today is about change.  Changing the way I think and do things and leaning on God.  And doing things His way for a change... Tonight I am going back to church for the first time since the beginning of November.  I am going to get involved in one of the many Life Groups my church offers and I am going to become INVOLVED.  I am also doing the Made to Crave online bible study.  And yes I am beginning to see a glimmer of light in the darkness I've surrounded myself in...

My favorite Scripture

So I'm trying to get beautiful... Inside and out.  I've lost myself a little over the last few months and I'm trying to get back to the beautiful on the inside me so that I can work more on the beautiful outside me and not feel like a fraud.

My favorite scripture is Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength
They will soar high on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not faint

I have not been very trusting of the Lord lately. I have not had my strength renewed because I have been looking to myself for strength. I am tired, weak and faint.  After re-reading this verse I know that the reason for that is because I have not been trusting the Lord.  It is crazy the timing that He has.  I started my online bible study this morning with Proverbs 31 ministry (Made to Crave) and I am determined to get back to where I need to be.  He saved me from the dark side once before and I was in so deep.  I should not be alive today. I should not be in any of the situations I am finding myself in again because I have been saved.  I have been looking for a man to save me but I have forgotten that a man DID save me.  1000 years ago on a cross.  And I need to remind myself of that daily.  Yes other people are where I want to be.  I am no where near where I want to be.  However I need to stop dwelling on that.  Surely my God has a bigger plan for me.  I can not imagine that He has brought me this far only to say "ok here you are, but that is it no happy ending for you".  If he did bring me this far for only that... well then I should still be thankful because I deserve so much worse than what I have been given.

Ok I'll see you Thursday for the Blog Hop...

Micaela