Thursday, May 29, 2014

My Story...

When I was 16 I ran away from home... I did not run away from the best home environment but I ran away from a home where I was loved.  I had been getting in trouble for a while.. I got in with a gang when I started high school.  I thought I was the baddest girl and honestly in my school where I was from I probably was one of the baddest... When I was 17 I met my first 2 kids father... I moved in with him and found out pretty quickly I was not as bad as I thought I was.  He was much badder.  He beat me daily.... hit me with bottles, gave me concussions, broke my jaw twice, gave me black eyes so bad they were swollen shut.  The reasons varied... I always did something wrong.  No one ever told me to come home so I didn't... I had two children with him... luckily I was smart enough to not want them in that environment and sent them to live with my mom and dad... I went home for a little while but he always found me and convinced me to go back... at that time he was my addiction.  He was my addiction for 6 years.  I still have problems from the beatings... my jaw clicks sometimes, I have debilitating migraines, I have memory problems, I have nightmares... I got free from that addiction when he went to prison for drugs.  That is when I met my 2nd baby's father.  The abuse was the same... he also cheated on me.  So did the first one but he at least tried to hide it... not the second one he just cheated.  When I caught him he got mad at me and hurt me.  He was my addiction.  I could not bring myself to leave him... I wanted to be good enough for him.  He made sure I knew that I wasn't.  He introduced me to cocaine.  It helped me escape from all of the pain... That was my new addiction... but I was still addicted to him.  My baby brother was killed in a car accident.  That crippled me.  I wanted to trade places with him.  I still do.  When I found my baby's father cheating on me again I freed myself from him.  I was still addicted to the cocaine... That helped me escape all of the pain.  My daddy went back to work for a private contracting firm.  He worked in Iraq.  My kids went to stay with my mom... I kept telling myself it was because she was so upset about my brother and they would help her feel better... honestly it is because I was not the mom that they needed me to be at that time... I felt like a failure... I still do.  I've never told anyone that before. 3 years later my mom called me in the middle of the night.  My daddy was killed by a car bomb in Iraq.  My daddy who I struggled my whole life to please.  My daddy who did not like me and I still questioned whether he loved me.  My daddy who met me for dinner on one of his leaves and saw me with my eye swollen shut and bruises up my face and said nothing about it... I would never had the opportunity to apologize for failing in his eyes... I would never be able to apologize that he lost his precious son instead of his pathetic daughter... My addiction to cocaine grew and now it was cocaine and pills.  I should not be alive with the amount I was putting in my body on a daily basis.  I maintained a job... I was doing drugs in the bathroom every 30 min but I kept the job... finally I was ready to be free of the drug addiction.  I was tired of being away from my kids and I knew that being away from my kids was one of the biggest pains I was trying to cover up with the drugs.  I packed up and moved home with my mom and kids.  I got myself clean.  I freed myself from that addiction.  I found church again and that became an addiction.  That addiction grew until the church broke up.  Now I find myself free from the addiction of drugs, from the addiction of abuse... but I'm still an addict.  I am not free yet.  I still have the addiction of pleasing people.  I still have the addiction of the labels I have put on myself.  I have the addiction of needing to prove my worth and myself to others.  I am addicted to being the best I can at work.  I have the addicts mind set still.  I need to free myself from that.  I am an ongoing story... truthfully this story is just an outline.  My story is so much deeper than this blog post... I just feel like my story is too long to post in one sitting... I think I will work on it for future posts because I do think I need to free myself of the story.  I've kept alot of this story inside me because it is painful to admit but maybe if I admit it I can finally be free of the addiction of my past... Today that is my addiction and I hope that at the end of this bible study I can say I'm FREE of that too...

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20 comments:

  1. What a brave lady you are to lay it all out there. You are more courageous than you give yourself credit for. Just always remember that you are more than enough in God's eyes. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and He has walked with you in those dark valleys. He is there to guide you the mountains with strength and you will soar on eagle's wings. Continue your prayers for Him to remain at your side and to heal your hurt as only He can. I will keep you in my prayers as well. You're already on a great journey with girlfriends supporting you through this study. ~ Julie

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    1. Thank you so much... that means the world to me.

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    2. What a story!! know that you are unconditionally loved! Take one day at a time and draw near to Him...He is in you, with you, and embracing you...You are HIS and He is yours!! Continue on in His loving arms and grace!! You'll look back and say, "Look where He has brought me from!! "

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  2. My heart smiles when I think about the people who God is preparing to read your story and how He will speak to them through you. I believe that every time someone is ministered to by what we perceive as shortcomings, Satan takes a big kick in the hind end. Keep kicking!!!!!

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  3. Micaela, opening yourself up the way you are takes such courage. I pray for the Lord's healing in your life and that you find your place in Him, that not even any particular church body can fulfill.

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    1. Thank you. I'm praying for that healing too... I would love to be so FREE that I do not even remember what I am healed from :)

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  4. You are a brave young woman and I am so PROUD of you for sharing your story. To just put it out there is the first step to healing. Know that God has a plan for you. This blog is just a step on that journey. Don't forget to ask God each and every day to help you see what is next in your life. Look up Jeremiah 29:11-13. The key is to remember that verses 12 and 13 will help you to keep God front and center. You have courage, and you are a survivor. Keep on talking to us. WE CARE

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    1. Oh Mary thank you so much!! That is one of my favorite verses to help others but I never much think about it for myself.... I think I worry that I have messed up the plans he had for me... thank you for the sweet words

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  5. Thank you for sharing your story! So excited for you to be able to say you have found freedom from those things! Praying for God to continue this wonderful work in your life! :)

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  6. Oh my, sister, how I wish I could reach out and give you such an enormous hug. Thank you for taking such a courageous step and putting your story out there. God is working in you and through you, and for that I am very thankfuL! You will be in my prayers. I cannot wait for the blog where you say you are FREE!

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    1. Thank you for the prayers!! I can not wait for that blog post either!! :) Soon...

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  7. Micaela, what a brave and honest blog you shared today, THANK YOU.... You have been through so much and have overcome so many of your labels, I have no doubt that God will continue to heal you from the inside with his loving grace and mercy. I also believe with all my heart that you and your story are going to help and bless many other women who have walked or are walking down the same path that you did. God has GREAT things in store for you XOXO

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    1. Thank you and if I can help someone then I guess that makes it worth sharing :)

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  8. Micaela,
    Wow. That is really what is in my heart right now--wow! The Spirit is really convicting me to truly look at the people around me everyday and ask what I am turning away from and "not seeing" because I'm too afraid to truly look at it and feel compelled to actually address the pain and the pressing problems they are in the midst of . Thank you for the reminder that hurting people are all around us! Your honesty and your willingness to admit to the pain your labels have cause has just spoken a lot of truth into my heart! I just listened to the first Conference Call with Derwin Gray, and he said something that I was reminded of as I read your story: Unstitching old labels is painful. You don't just pull them off and everything is fine.
    You see the labels that need to be unstitched. It will probably hurt--that's just the truth. But, you have already faced so much truth, I KNOW that through God's strength you can go through the "unstitching" too. God Bless You!!
    Sandi Brewer, Proverbs31 Ministry OBS Volunteer.

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    1. Wow that is a great way to put it!! I do need to unstitch my labels... I'm excited to start doing that... painful as it will be :) Thank you for reminding me that it is ok to be hurting...

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  9. What a raw and honest blog post. Thank you for sharing this. My past has several years of dark moments, drug and alcohol addiction, and being with one bad guy after the next. I too, felt like most of my life was spent trying to be the kind of daughter my parents hoped for, yet always falling short. And paling in comparison to my brother. I know the feeling of hitting rock bottom, and feeling this emptiness and desire to just start over, but not knowing how. Your words and story will have an impact on so many others who are struggling in their own messes and addictions, and it is so encouraging to read your story. God Bless you, and I will pray that you find complete freedom. I'm now, as you put it, becoming addicted to church as well, and just soaking up the truth that God loves us and that I am redeemed. I am NOT my past, I am NOT the labels I've acquired, but instead I am washed in the blood and made anew. And so are YOU.

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    1. Thank you so much... this has been a trying week already and seeing this today (yes just today lol) was exactly what I needed to get through today without laying in bed and crying!

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  10. I prayed for you yesterday, and I will continue to pray for you. I just sat and read through your entire blog, and I just want to reach through this computer and hug you. You can't understand how your words and your story and emotions can impact another, but they do. When you are open and raw like that, it shows others who are struggling that they are not alone. And to feel NOT ALONE is a huge deal, as i'm sure you realize. I will pray that you find peace in Jesus, that you find peace to the depth of your soul, and that you will begin to love yourself like you've never loved yourself before. That you will know your worth and your value, and that slowly God will reveal to you your purpose in this life. Keep posting, keep sharing your feelings, get them out. Purging on paper is the best form of medicine, and your words are impacting people more than you can know. Get out of bed this morning, say a prayer for a new day, and go live your life. You are strong, you are brave, you are a survivor. God wants you here, for something wonderful HE has planned for you.

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