Monday, February 17, 2014

I"m back...

Yes I had to take a little break... read breakdown... but I"m back.  Sometimes you have a set back and you feel like your world has ended but you are going to push through and that is what I had earlier this year in January... but then the devil comes back and say's you are not going to push through at all... and then you completely fall apart.  Yea well that is exactly how my February has been.  Here I was pushing along at the end of January/beginning of February just going thinking my little breakdown was done and then **** BAM**** nope it was like a force hit me and all of a sudden I was the old Micaela... I was the Micaela who didnt care, who did what she wanted when she wanted... how did I become her again... I forgot everything good.  The worst part of it was I knew that I should not be acting this way.  I kept telling myself to stop it... but nope I didnt stop.  I think that part of it was after me posting about Cherish and how much I missed her I found out she blocked me from Facebook.  Why.  What did I do wrong.  Well I never got an answer and honestly right now I do not care.  It is her issue not mine and I can not make it mine.  Well I can but duh that is kind of what got me into this dark freaking hole I'm in now.... anyways so here is what happened... guy at work was interested in me... did I ever mention I have this crazy need to love and be loved... yea well anyways he was interested.  He was totally my old type, gangster to the core, but he had a job, he worked where I work so that is a step up right... plus as long as I had said no to him we were just friends, he kept on saying all of the right things... he was changed, he wanted a girl that was good, he wanted to fall in love and have something that was forever... blah blah blah... so I ended up giving in... right around the same time as that other chick was getting engaged... coincidence?  Nope probably not... anyways I fell hard.  And slowly all of my old ways started coming back out of the woodwork... my musical tastes were going backwards, how do I know every word to every rap album that was too hard core to be played on the radio... Scarface anyone... my mouth was working overtime... now I have never quite managed to stop the curse words from spewing from my mouth but I had calmed down alot but not now... and my absolute favorite was the behaviors I have all of a sudden been willing to put up with.... Wow how desperate am I for someone to say that they love me.  Oh and best of all he never even said I love you... I'm not sure why it always takes a complete self control breakdown for me to realize what is wrong with me... Also why is it that when I have a minor set back I completely revert back to all of my old ways... ugh I hate questions I do not want to face answers too... but I am facing them.  This week I plan on catching up with everything.  I also plan on getting my self-control back on track... will it be easy NOPE but it will be oh so worth it.  If you are still here and reading this thing... well Thank You 


  1. I am still reading it!! A few days late...but encouraged to see you again!! Prayers to you! There is VICTORY in Christ :) Stay in Jesus! You can do it :) ~ Miriam of

  2. Thank you for reading it!! I'm confident that I can do this...