What a topic... someone at Proverbs 31 seems to know me and how much I've been struggling... or maybe it is that coincidence thing... LOL
I saw a quote the other day on either Facebook or Instagram and I liked it because it resonated with me. Audrey Hepburn said, "I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it." Wow. That is me completely. My whole life it seems revolves around my need for someone to give me affection and my need to show someone else that affection back ten times more... it is a longing.... God created that in me but I failed the plan and purpose for it because I failed to understand that I was craving affection from Him. I was numbing my longing with temporary physical pleasures that never EVER filled my need. I have actually been depriving myself... How fitting that I would decide to get caught up after a breakdown and THIS is what I am reading. I love how I see myself in all of this.
Page 130 in the Made to Crave book talks about different situations that make you feel hurt and rejected. Lysa talks about a crack in her resolve was caused by the extreme rejection of her biological father. My father rejected me in a way... As a teenager I veered into some dark and stupid things. My dad never was able to forgive me or understand that. He went to work overseas. According to my brother he HATED me... I cant ask him now because he died while working in Iraq. I like to think that before he died my daddy saw how much I had changed and had forgiven me. I hurt and long for that forgiveness. That is a little crack that goes deep down to my core. That is one of my biggest emotional triggers. I feel like it is my fault that we as a family struggle now. My dad isnt here. It is my fault my kids do not have their papaw... Emotional triggers that always lead me down the path that he would not be proud of me for going back to... I need to learn to not self-medicate with treats but rather to learn how to feed myself spiritually. Next time I'm feeling one of the situations that make me feel hurt and rejected I need to ask God to be my daily portion.
Lamentations 3:22-24 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
What an amazing verse to keep close and remember... I will overcome these triggers... I will fill in the cracks of my soul with God's love because really and truly nothing else will ever truly satisfy. Even if I fall in love and someone loves me back ten fold that is all only second to God's love. Nothing else is unfailing and absolute.