Thursday, June 12, 2014

From Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace.... kinda

"People are made to be loved and things are made to be used.  The confusion in this world is that people are being used and things are being loved."  - Unknown

Chapter 5 in my P31 online bible study, The Limitless Life, by Derwin Gray talks about transforming from Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace... I'm not to the trophy of grace part yet but I'm closer than I was when I started this chapter.

From the time I was very young, I have no idea what age it started, I was abused... Honestly as a child I was abused by my grandfather but I can not tell you if he was the only one.  I have no real memory before age 10.  I have spotty memories of different things... I do remember feeling like I was damaged goods from a very young age.  When I turned 15 I confused love with sex... I had sex with my boyfriend because that must mean he loved me... when I met my baby's father we had sex immediately and he moved me in with him... because he loved me.  He beat me up daily and did unspeakable things to me but afterwards when he said he loved me that made it all ok because I was lucky anyone would love me I was damaged.  This cycle just continued and in a way it still continues today... I still feel like I'm damaged goods and that affects everything that I do in my life.

The Woman at the Well... I feel like I am this woman.  I have 4 bi-racial children from 2 different fathers, countless ex boyfriends, none of which I was good enough to marry, I'm living with my current boyfriend but we are not married, I'm covered in tattoos, any time I go anywhere I feel judged.  If someone knows my past it is even worse.  I avoid people who I fear will judge me.  I avoid looking in the mirror because I know I'm going to judge myself.  I would fit right in with the motley crew Derwin Gray describes in chapter 5.  I could probably make up that motley crew by myself.... I wish that I could meet Jesus at that well.  I crave to hear Him speak to me.  Tell me why I'm here but I wont meet Him at the well... I will be more like Wanda.  I connected with her also in pretty much every way... LOL I was definitely the one the Youth Group was warned about... even the Youth Pastor and his wife HATED me and cringed when I walked in... Oh how they could have changed my path... but to them I was damaged.  I'm not blaming them either I get it but at that time I just craved being accepted and they could not accept my damaged self.... church was no longer where I wanted to be.... I even remember getting to that place that Wanda describes where Jesus is the only one who accepts her.  I was there!  I was plugged in and I STARTED FEELING LIKE A TROPHY OF HIS GRACE... then somehow I came back to the place I've known since I can remember... I'm back to being damaged goods... My life is again spiritually parched and lifeless... I need to start drinking my living water again... I know this and I crave it but I think I'm scared of it too... I'm scared of it all going away again.  I do not want to be damaged goods anymore.  I want to get back to being a trophy of HIS grace.  I want to start believing that God sees me as more than damaged goods even if no one else ever sees me as any more than that.  

One day I want people to talk about how I was once nothing, a loser, damaged goods and then I met Jesus and he unleashed His limitless life through ME, and because of ME, someone else's life was made eternally better.

P31 OBS Blog Hop

Proverbs 31 Ministries Online Bible Studies

26 comments:

  1. Micaela, your story is so powerful! And the longing in your heart to really KNOW that you know that you know that you ARE a trophy of God's grace? I think so many of us feel that very same way at different times in our lives. I'm praying God brings people into your life to come alongside you, encourage you to continue to cling to Jesus, and remind you that you are REDEEMED! I'm so glad that you shared your heart here today. Thank you!!

    Missy (Proverbs 31 Ministries OBS Team)

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  2. I hope you continue with your growth, and can look in the mirror and see a trophy of grace, because that's what God sees. My story is not the same as yours, but I have 3 children with two men and one child is biracial. They are my babies, and part of my story, and Jesus loves them. I have tattoos, but I'm also a Sunday school teacher, and feel I have respect I never thought I would have had 15 years ago. I've been a teen mom, divorced and remarried, those are not my labels, I'm a child of God, You are too. I'll say a prayer for you as you continue your journey to a stronger relationship with God, and break free of past labels.

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    1. Thank you! Prayers are very welcome. :)

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  3. Micaela, Thank you for being brave and strong and vulnerable here with us this week. I agree with Missy, many of us feel the very same way at different times in our lives. We feel unworthy, unloved, and unwanted because of so many different reasons. But God's love for us never changes no matter what those reasons are. And His Word promises that when we seek Him, we will find Him. You are beautiful, you are a daughter of the King, you ARE that trophy of grace. My prayer for you today is that you can truly believe it and accept it, no matter your past or no matter the world around you. Because the God on the inside of you is greater than all of that, and He said you belong to Him :) What an honor to be in community with you here. We are all broken people being gently put back together by the One True God, the restorer of all things, the healer of every hurt, the grace-giver, the lover of our soul, the one who sees past every imperfection and loves us without end. That's the God we're pursuing. And He's the God who's also pursuing us - me. . .and you . . . right now. When we seek Him, yes, we shall surely find Him. Love ~ Shelly

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    1. Thank you Shelly... I'm going to start trying to remember these things when all I feel is the bad stuff. I'm going to try and remember that no matter how damaged I feel today God is shining his light through all the cracks, the damaged parts, of me.

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  4. Oh Micaela, you my sweet sister are sooo not damaged goods!! You ARE a trophy of His grace and you are making a difference in His Kingdom. Satan is a very harsh taskmaster and he wants to make sure you stay down, because your story is one too many other women have suffered...are suffering from. You are being a light into this world and you are courageously telling a story that was meant for your harm. You will rise above and our Father will be there right alongside you, holding you up and carrying you through. Kick that damaged label to the curb because you are the daughter of the King of Kings!! You don't have to earn it, Jesus already paid that price..you have it because God our Daddy loves you so!! Thank you for telling your story and I pray it blesses everyone who reads it and I pray that the women who need to see it, will. Bless you sister!! Big hugs!!

    Trish (Proverbs 31 Ministries OBS Team)

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    1. Thank you Trish... I hope that one day soon I can feel more like the trophy of His grace than the damaged goods :)

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  5. Micaela thank you so much for being courageous and sharing your story. What an amazingly beautiful story God is weaving through your life. Some awesome things that help me : write scripture on your mirrors to remind you of how beautiful you are when you look in them, make yourself a scripture box of God's promises that you can pull one out when you need it. You are gorgeous! A song I want to share with you is Beautiful Things - Gungor Lyric Video: http://youtu.be/1spkhp41ig4 Remember your worth is determined only by your Creator and you are beautifully & wonderfully made. Big hugs to you and keep shining His light as you walk on this journey, you will be a blessing to so many.

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    1. Sorry forgot to leave my name Amanda G (Proverbs 31 OBS Team)

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    2. thank you so much for sharing that song definitely one of my new favorites!

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  6. What a blessing you are to Jesus!! Praising God for your victory in advance!!

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  7. Hi Micaela,

    You have such a raw and honest story. I bet you impacted tons of women with this blog post. The power of our God is stronger than anything. The goodness of our God is better than anything. He loves you! YOU ARE A TROPHY OF GRACE! Satan really wants you to think otherwise so crush him right now. You are a beautiful and redeemed child of God, friend. I am praying for you right now and I believe that God has HUGE things in store for you! I think you'll like this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKJe0zPZ4YE&list=FLkgB9bE5sAaYOjd0VQbixaQ&feature=share&index=3

    Love and Prayers, Kristy

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    1. Kristy thank you... :) Love this song!

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  8. Hi Micaela believe it or not this will be my fourth time writing and trying to post. Ugh! I think I have it figured out now. LOL I so related you my dear heart. My pain came from a different set of circumstances but suffering is suffering is it not? You are so brave and honest. You are God's woman Micaela!! Don't forget that. You were damaged but (no more) You have been transformed. You already are God's Trophy of Grace Micaela, beloved, whole, perfection thanks to our Savior Jesus. Make a list of affirmations and repeat until you believe it! It's already done!! God allowed you to go through what you did so that you would be prepared for your mission. Only you can accomplish what God has set for you to do. Blessings and Grace by the buckets my dear heart. <3

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    1. Thank you I hope and pray that I can learn and accomplish what God wants from me... :)

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  9. Micaela--thank you so much for sharing your honest story. You are God's beloved. He DIED for you He loves you so much. I pray that this truth will wash your soul inside and out. Your "mess" is your message and God can transform it. I know the "Wanda" from the book personally and can tell you that she and her beautiful family are trophies of God's grace--just like you and your beautiful children. Prayers and blessings to you! Excited for what God is going to do in your life!

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  10. Micaela, talk about being raw girl, you poured your heart and soul our here to us. Kudos to you for opening up like you have and letting us in. Part of me does blame the pastor and his wife for not stepping up and being the Christians they should be, especially in the position of being a pastor. I want to blame everyone who says they are a Christian and then turns their backs on us who need help being pulled up. Can you tell I have so been there done that :) However, that will get us no where now will it??? I finally realized over the years that if they had I might have never found my true relationship with God. I would have always been looking to/at the people. So my dear beautiful sweet girl, be thankful that people judge you, turn away from you, don't help you because God is wanting you to come to Him only for lasting help, for true grace, for real unconditional love that you will never ever get any where else. The relationship you can and will have with Him is like no other on this earth. To God you are the most beautiful person on this planet, tattoos and all. There is no tattoo that can turn God away from you, there is not hurt deep enough that can keep God from you, there is no ones judgement that can hide God from you. He is so knocking at your door and He so wants you to turn to Him and Him only. We as humans will ALWAYS and FOREVER let each other down at some point in the journey, be thankful for this. There are those that will guide us and give us words of encouragement from time to time but they are never meant to stay around all the time. That is God's job and He wants it in the worst way, after all He did suffer and die for you and for me. Isn't that Great news :) Talk to God in the raw state and tell Him exactly how your feel, what you are thinking, where you want to go, what you want to do with all the things that have happened to you, ask if He can use all the hurt you have been through to reach out and help others. Hold nothing back girl! If you have done so then do it again and again and again until you hear from Him. Hint: He has already started using you with this post for you have touched me with your message in more ways than you will ever know. God will not leave you, He will use everything you have been through to make a difference if you let Him. God bless you beautiful sweet girl!!!

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    1. thank you so much... i worry alot that i have used up all of my chances with Him... It is so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I cant use up all my chances...

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  11. Wow , wow and wow! Girl, you are so brave and strong in HIM and you are reaching countless people by sharing your story , by being real and honest and - THAT's what it's all about. Through you, others are going to come to know Christ and find HOPE and I pray today that you find hope in the midst of the storm and stand strong against the evil one. IT IS A PROCESS, this I know and you know so don't ever give up even you feel like you've slid backwards. As long as your seeking Him, you'll always be moving forward and closer to Him. Thank you so much for sharing your heart XOOXOXOXOXO

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  12. Thank you, Micaela, for sharing your story. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to put these words on 'paper' and post them for all to read. It's tough to see our pain and struggles in black and white, isn't it?
    May I encourage you today? May I remind you that God does not waste our pain. He can use our stories for His glory when we allow Him to do His mighty work in us and through us. Micalela, Christ and His sacrifice on the cross, they were for YOU. He loves you so much, He died so you don't have to live as a slave to sin. PLEASE let this truth sink into your heart today.
    Because of Christ, you are chosen, holy, and dearly loved.
    Please begin to allow yourself to live in the freedom of forgiveness Don't allow satan to convince you that God's love and forgiveness don't apply to you. Christ died for you...and every sin you have committed, are committing right now, and/or will commit in the future. The debt is paid. It is finished. You are free.
    Blessings, love, and prayers.

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  13. Thank you so much for sharing your story. What a blessed reminder that people are not always what they seem. Sadly, Christians are sometimes too quick to judge... I'm far too guilty of the whole plank in my eye thing myself!!! Thank God for grace... grace for me, grace for you... His marvelous grace! May you drink richly from HIs Well and know that your dry and parched places will spring up newness of life. Blessings and prayers!
    Lauren, P31 OBS blog hop team

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