"People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion in this world is that people are being used and things are being loved." - Unknown
Chapter 5 in my P31 online bible study, The Limitless Life, by Derwin Gray talks about transforming from Damaged Goods to Trophy of Grace... I'm not to the trophy of grace part yet but I'm closer than I was when I started this chapter.
From the time I was very young, I have no idea what age it started, I was abused... Honestly as a child I was abused by my grandfather but I can not tell you if he was the only one. I have no real memory before age 10. I have spotty memories of different things... I do remember feeling like I was damaged goods from a very young age. When I turned 15 I confused love with sex... I had sex with my boyfriend because that must mean he loved me... when I met my baby's father we had sex immediately and he moved me in with him... because he loved me. He beat me up daily and did unspeakable things to me but afterwards when he said he loved me that made it all ok because I was lucky anyone would love me I was damaged. This cycle just continued and in a way it still continues today... I still feel like I'm damaged goods and that affects everything that I do in my life.
The Woman at the Well... I feel like I am this woman. I have 4 bi-racial children from 2 different fathers, countless ex boyfriends, none of which I was good enough to marry, I'm living with my current boyfriend but we are not married, I'm covered in tattoos, any time I go anywhere I feel judged. If someone knows my past it is even worse. I avoid people who I fear will judge me. I avoid looking in the mirror because I know I'm going to judge myself. I would fit right in with the motley crew Derwin Gray describes in chapter 5. I could probably make up that motley crew by myself.... I wish that I could meet Jesus at that well. I crave to hear Him speak to me. Tell me why I'm here but I wont meet Him at the well... I will be more like Wanda. I connected with her also in pretty much every way... LOL I was definitely the one the Youth Group was warned about... even the Youth Pastor and his wife HATED me and cringed when I walked in... Oh how they could have changed my path... but to them I was damaged. I'm not blaming them either I get it but at that time I just craved being accepted and they could not accept my damaged self.... church was no longer where I wanted to be.... I even remember getting to that place that Wanda describes where Jesus is the only one who accepts her. I was there! I was plugged in and I STARTED FEELING LIKE A TROPHY OF HIS GRACE... then somehow I came back to the place I've known since I can remember... I'm back to being damaged goods... My life is again spiritually parched and lifeless... I need to start drinking my living water again... I know this and I crave it but I think I'm scared of it too... I'm scared of it all going away again. I do not want to be damaged goods anymore. I want to get back to being a trophy of HIS grace. I want to start believing that God sees me as more than damaged goods even if no one else ever sees me as any more than that.
One day I want people to talk about how I was once nothing, a loser, damaged goods and then I met Jesus and he unleashed His limitless life through ME, and because of ME, someone else's life was made eternally better.