What a wild ride...

So I have a hard time trusting people... anyone that knows me, the real back story, no holds barred, me would say that I have good reasons not to trust people.  But I need, no I want to learn how to trust God.  Not just say "Oh I trust God will do this or that" but like seriously no questions asked just complete and full TRUST.  I know people that have this trust with Him but no matter how hard I try to achieve it or how much I say I trust him there is always this little twinge of doubt... maybe not at first, but eventually it finds it's way in my heart... I hate that doubt.  How do I get past that little bit of doubt... How do I just blindly say "Ok God take it away, I trust You."  Hmmmm that is definitely something I need to work on learning to do this year.  

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Love this verse!! Now how can I implement this in MY life... I hate leaning on my own understanding cause it never works.  Another favorite verse of mine is Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  

I am trying really hard to believe that.  I do not want to think that I have missed out on the plans that the Lord has, or had, for me... One of my hardest "cravings" is the craving I have for love.  I had big plans for my life when I was younger.  I was going to be married with a house full of kids.  I was going to live in the country surrounded by dogs, pigs, goats, kids, and chickens... As each birthday comes around I cry a little more for dreams that do not seem as if they are ever going to happen.  I have the house full of kids but I was never good enough to LOVE enough to marry.  Now dont get me wrong the two guys that I chose to have children with are not anywhere close to what I need, want, or deserve.  They beat me black and blue, cheated on me, did NOT love me, and do not take care of the children they helped create.  So I'm not upset that I did not marry one of them, however as each year comes and goes and I do not seem to be good enough for anyone else I mourn the plans I had for my life... I wonder if God has forgotten about me.  I wonder if I screwed up my life for so long, did I possibly screw up God's plans for me... did I miss out on what He had planned for my life... I love my children more than life itself, but they are getting older.  My son is 16 and my youngest "baby" is 11, soon they will be on with their lives and then I will be alone. So as my birthday is coming up in a month I am starting to mourn again... another year older.  Another year of not having my dreams come true... So my goal this year is to learn how to TRUST Him.  Complete and total trust that my God still has some plan for me and my life... This will be the year I learn to stop mourning and start TRUSTING.  One last verse that I want to share is this...

Isaiah 40:31  But those who trust in The Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint